Category: Spiritual Journey

100 Days of Prayer – Part 2

100 Days of Prayer - Part 2

Click here for Part 1 of 100 Days of Prayer.

By the end of January, I completed 100 days of prayer.

What I loved most was the consistency—the daily return, the discipline of intention. In a modern world that moves relentlessly fast, continual focus on anything feels countercultural. This practice invited me to slow down, to be deliberate, to remain present with God day after day.

As I approached the end of the 100 days, something unexpected happened.

I realized it was becoming less about what I was praying for.

It was less about my circumstances, less about the situations, and less about what I wanted God to do.

Instead, I sensed a gentle prompting from God—through the Holy Spirit—redirecting my attention to something deeper: my faith.

I captured this realization in a journal entry near the end of the practice:

I realize I’ve been praying similar prayers every day for almost 100 days. I’ve loved this practice—coming to You, God, with greater confidence, knowing what I want to say. It has strengthened my confidence in prayer. And now, I’m beginning to wonder if my prayer should change. I feel more resolved in one situation I’ve brought to You repeatedly. But what I want from You, Lord, is absolute clarity. Will I have that? No.

Lord, what do You want me to know right now? What is true? Faith is not certainty—that’s why it’s faith.

Scripture echoes this truth again and again. Faith is not something we see; it is something we hope for. Hebrews 11:1, “Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

“By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.” – Hebrews 1:3

Jesus speaks of faith as small as a mustard seed—tiny, unimpressive, easily overlooked—yet capable of extraordinary growth. A seed that moves mountains. A seed that uproots trees. A seed that changes everything.

Matthew 17:20 – “…if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, “move from here to there” and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.”

Mustard seed scripture references: Matthew 13:31-32; Mark 4:30-32; Luke 17:6

Faith, then, is action without absolutes—anchored not in outcomes, but in who God is.

“I do believe; help me in my unbelief.” – Mark 9:24
“Come quickly to help me, Lord.” – Psalms 38:22
“Everything is possible for the one who believes.” – Mark 9:23

Over these 100 days, I began to see that the practice wasn’t meant to guarantee answers or clarity. It was shaping my trust, my faith in God.

God didn’t part the Red Sea for the Israelites after they saw the way forward. He made a way as they walked in obedience. Moses stepped forward in faith long before certainty appeared. Exodus 13:17-22; Exodus 14:21-22

And in my own quiet way, I noticed the same pattern. More peace than anxiety. More clarity of heart than clarity of circumstance. More encouragement than discouragement.

I also noticed how easily my faith drifts and wavers toward earthly assurances—control, outcomes, timelines—rather than resting fully in God. And that’s not where I want my trust to live.

Faith is action without absolutes, but the belief in those absolutes is God. That God is who He says He is.

So perhaps the 100 days of prayer were never primarily about changing my situation.

Perhaps they were about strengthening my faith.

Learning to let go, to let God.
Learning to trust.
Learning to follow—even when the path isn’t fully visible.

Lord, lead the way.
I need You.

Amen.

I haven’t begun a new 100 days of prayer yet, but I intend to.

Why don’t you join me? What has been on your mind and heart that you’d like to talk to God for 100 days about?

He’s ready.

He’s listening.

He wants to hear from you.

The Word I Didn’t Choose

The Word I Didn't Choose

I’m not one to pick “a word for the year”. 

I’m not against, it’s just not something I’ve given much focus to.  

And, being a writer, maybe I don’t want to limit myself to one word! 😉  

But I do pay attention to words that seem to come up over and over again.  

The ones I keep hearing. 

The ones that start carrying more weight and meaning than they used to. 

These are words to pay attention to. 

So far, this year, this word has been community.  

Community in a Big City

Living in such a big city like Houston makes community complicated. 

It’s normal here to live 30+ miles from where you work. That can easily mean an hour commute one way. 

After doing that all week, the idea of driving back into traffic to meet a friend can feel exhausting.  

Unintentionally, you begin calculating: 

  • What time will I get home? 
  • How late will this go? 
  • Is it worth the energy? 

Slowly, isolation becomes practical. 

Comedian Nate Bargatze jokes about this in one of his comedy shows. 

“In your 20’s you’re down for anything, anytime, anywhere doesn’t matter. If a friend calls to ask if you want to do something, you’re in.” 

“In your 30’s, if a friend calls to ask you to meet up, you’re a little hesitant. You ask questions about who is going to be there and when is it over before you commit.” 

“In your 40’s, when a friend calls to ask you to do something, you are offended that they’d even ask.” 

It’s funny because it’s true!

But beneath the humor is something deeper: as we get older, busier, and more established, connection starts feeling optional. 

The Illusion of Independence

Because Houston is so big, it can have a way of toughening you. 

This year marks 20 years of living here. While I pride myself on being independent, independence can have a way of hardening you into isolation. 

Not because you decide you don’t need people, but because life trains you to manage on your own. 

You work. 

You commute. 

You handle things. 

You keep going. And life keeps going at lightening speed. 

And you convince yourself you’re fine. 

We Said Yes

One of the ways to have a community is in church. Many who attend church in Houston attend what is referred to as a mega-church. A mega-church will have 2,000 or more attendees. It’s very hard to create relationships and be known in such a large congregation. 

The church my husband and I attend is called Church Project. It is a church of house churches.  

Yes, we gather on Sunday mornings in a church building and we have 2 services to fit everyone. 

But how we create community within Church Project are House Churches. These are smaller gatherings usually on Sunday evenings or Wednesday nights in homes usually in your neighborhood.  

A group of House Churches connected together as one through Church Project. This is modeled after the New Testament church where people would gather in each other’s homes for Christian fellowship. 

This usually entails gathering: 

  • to share a meal 
  • for prayer time 
  • for Bible study 
  • for Conversation 

 This is a way to know and be known. It creates intimacy and an opportunity to build relationships and do life with others. 

My husband and I didn’t participate in House Church for years. We finally decided a couple years ago to start going and we are so glad we did. 

It has proven to be such a blessed transformational decision for us.  

The Risk of Being Known

For someone who has lived most of her adult life fiercely independent, being known can feel vulnerable, and attending House Church has challenged me in a good way.  

The times we’ve chosen to let our House Church in on areas that we were struggling has proven to be the best risk. 

We’ve received immediate prayer. We’ve received text messages during the week checking in and encouraging us. I’ve received the most delicate and tender prayer messages. 

Most recently, my grandmother passed away and before I left to travel for her funeral, I found a bouquet of flowers and a card on my front door step from our House Church. It was such a thoughtful and sincere gesture.  

When you live far from family, grief can feel isolating in a way that’s hard to describe. Our House Church reminded me I wasn’t alone. 

After all the time I’ve spent being independent, when you begin being cared for by others, it’s a bit shocking and learning to receive becomes another challenge.

Sometimes you don’t know how much you need community until you actually have one. 

It’s not all about receiving. Being cared for and having that modeled for you teaches you how to be a community for others. 

I have room to grow in this regard. When others show up for you and show you the love of Jesus, it fills you up in a way that you want to pour out to others.  

One of my favorite versus is Proverbs 27:17, “Iron sharpens iron, so one person’s character sharpens another.” This is House Church.

A community that sharpens one another. Sharpening in a sweet way and sharpening in a transformational way. Living in community with others will hold up a mirror, at times, showing you where you can do better and be better. 

Small Town vs. Big City

Community came up again while I was home for my grandmother’s funeral. I attended the church I grew up in, where my Dad still attends. So many people came to hug me, share stories, and words of encouragement for me.  

This is also community.  

This is community of a small town. This kind of community feels natural in a small town.  

People come together. People know you, watched as you grew up, has known your family for generations.  

These are people that take care of you. And I’m comforted by this as I travelled back home to Houston knowing so many care and love my Dad.  

I know that community will come around my Dad, check on him, and love on him when I can’t be there in person. 

When you live in a big city, no one accidentally builds deep connection. You have to choose it. 

I’m so thankful we have that opportunity with our House Church with Church Project.  

The Modern Convenience Problem

We live in a modern world that has made community optional. 

Why would you go next door to borrow a cup of sugar when you could have it delivered?  

Why talk to a cashier when you can check yourself out? 

In the name of “progress” we’ve eliminated community. We’ve forgotten what it means to depend upon others, to be vulnerable, to ask for help, to share a meal. 

But we were never designed to live this way. 

A Question Worth Asking

When was the last time you let yourself be known? 

Not admired. 

Not competent. 

Not capable. 

Known. 

Isolation rarely announces itself. 

It quietly settles in and becomes the normal. 

And sometimes the bravest thing you can do isn’t proving you can handle everything alone. 

It’s letting someone show up for you. 

So how do we bring community back in our modern world? 

By choosing inconvenience on purpose. 

By lingering after church instead of slipping out quickly. 
By saying yes to dinner even when the commute feels long. 
By knocking on a neighbor’s door instead of ordering another delivery. 
By letting someone see beyond “I’m fine.” 

Community isn’t gone. 

It’s waiting for intention. 

A Prayer to Begin Your Day

A Prayer to Begin Your Day

Late in 2025, I began 100 days of prayer. You can read more about it here.

I recently concluded those 100 days, praying intentionally about two specific topics. I plan to write more about that full experience—what it was like and what I learned—soon. Stay tuned.

What surprised me most is how prayer began to weave itself throughout my days more naturally than before.

And I’m certainly not mad about that.

It’s almost as if the structure of 100 days of intentional prayer gave me space to focus deeply, and then opened the door for prayer to spill into other areas of my life. Once I slowed down enough to pray intentionally, I found myself wanting to pray more—about everything.

In the mornings, my prayers look different depending on the day.

Sometimes, I pray a simple prayer as I begin my morning. Other days, I return to Matthew 6:9–13, the Lord’s Prayer.

I also have a prayer I wrote several years ago saved on my phone. Some mornings, I pray it out loud.

And some mornings, I sit with my husband and we pray together.

Lately, this is a prayer I’ve been praying. If you’re struggling to find the words, please feel free to use it.

A Morning Prayer

Lord, lead the way today. Help me to walk in and with Your Spirit.
Thank You for another day. I will rejoice and be glad in it, because this is a day You have made.

I invite You into my day—into my actions, words, thoughts, deeds, and interactions.
I can’t do this day without You, and I don’t want to do this day without You.

Help me remember that no matter the challenges or worries I carry today, You are already there. You already know. You are already working.

Help me to trust You. Strengthen my faith. Help me in my unbelief. I do believe, Lord, but I am still uncertain at times.

Help me remember that You are God and I am not. I am the sinner, and You are the Savior.

I want to hear from You, Lord. I am listening today. Help me hear Your voice above all others.

Thank You for making a way to be in relationship with You through Jesus. Thank You for being kind, even when I struggle to see it.

Thank You for never changing in a constantly changing world. Thank You for the hope of eternity with You.

Thank You for all that You do and all that You are.

Amen.

Ask the Holy Spirit to teach you how to pray—and He will.

When you ask Him, don’t be surprised if you begin praying differently. You may find yourself trying new ways of praying, new rhythms, new words. That’s not confusion—that’s guidance.

The most important thing to remember is this: God wants to hear from His children. Talk to Him.

There isn’t a right or wrong way. He simply wants you.

Grounding my mornings in prayer helps set the tone for my day. Even just a few minutes of pausing before the busyness begins makes a difference.

Use this prayer if it helps—and then make it your own.

100 Days of Prayer

100 Days of Prayer

Last year, an account I follow on Instagram, @bailshenry, shared the goal of not eating out at restaurants for all of 2024!

Considering how busy our lives are…this was an interesting goal. It would be a challenging goal.

Needless to say, she attracted a lot of followers, including me. We watched what she was making at home and serving her family. We watched as she and her family fulfilled their goal.

Bailey also lives in Mississippi and is a graduate from Mississippi State University, both of which are bonuses in my book! #hailstate

Recently, Bailey shared about the practice of 100 days of prayer.

When she shared about this practice, she didn’t think there would be much response. Instead, she was pleasantly surprised.

Many were curious and wanted to know how she did it.

She has a highlight reel on her account about it and shared how she structures hers.

Since the beginning of October, I’ve been struggling with some challenges. I was already praying about it.

Then, I remembered the 100 days of prayer practice that Bailey shared. I re-watched her highlight reels on how she structures hers and then set out to do my own.

I started by writing down the 2 situations that I wanted to pray about for 100 days.

Nothing too in depth. Bullet points about both situations.

I wrote out above the 2 prayer circumstances what the starting date of my 100 days would be and then end date.

It’s important to note that while you can track the 100 days…God is not impressed with the amount of days you are praying.

What is important is that God wants to hear from His children.

And even though He already knows the needs, the circumstances, and situations, He wants to hear from you about it.

If you are a mom or dad, don’t you want to know what on your children’s hearts and minds?

Especially if they are struggling?

Even if you know they are struggling?

With God, it’s no different. He wants to hear from His children.

I’ve never prayed with the same or similar prayer for 100 days.

As I write this, I’m 38 days into the 100 days.

Here are 5 things that I’ve noticed:

  1. For 38 days, I’ve prayed the same or similar prayer over the 2 situations out loud.
  2. There have been times I’ve gotten on my knees to pray. Not every time.
    • Kneeling isn’t something I’ve done often in my prayer life either, however, I can say that it humbles me.
    • It’s a symbol of reverence. He is God, I am not.
  3. These prayers are not limited to only the 2 circumstances.
    • I use this time to pray for other people and situations too.
  4. I’ve been surprised how I like the repetition of praying the same or similar prayer.
    • It is becoming a rhythm in my day. I don’t have to come up with a prayer. I already know and then can add on as needed.
    • Sometimes praying can feel overwhelming with the uncertainty of what to say. The repetition is helpful.
    • I find that I am praying more confidently.
  5. Jeff and I have prayed together more often.
    • We take turns praying.

I didn’t know what to expect when I began this practice. I’m so glad I started and have been consistently praying.

While I don’t have total clarity over the 2 situations, I have slight clarity on a piece of it.

God is moving. And He will answer.

It may not be the answers that I’m looking for or what I want.

That’s ok, too.

I want His voice to be the loudest in my life.

Less of me and more of Him.

Amen.

Cedar Rock Ministries – Marriage Retreat

Cedar Rock Ministries - Marriage Retreat

How I Found Cedar Rock Ministries

I’m not 100% sure where or when I first heard about Cedar Rock Ministries. If I had to guess, it would be through Jessica Hefley…from her social media and podcast, Prosperity with Purpose.

Jessica is a Christian Leadership Coach who has had tremendous success in network marketing, and she’s someone I’ve admired from afar for quite some time.

If you’ve read my series on my experiences with Awaken Silent Retreats, you already know this isn’t the first time I’ve followed one of Jessica’s recommendations — and those retreats have been such a blessing in my life. So when she mentioned Cedar Rock Ministries, I paid attention.

What Is Cedar Rock Ministries?

Cedar Rock is a relationship development ministry that helps individuals and couples find the rest and connection they need to become more fully known and deeply loved.

“The righteous will grow like a cedar of Lebanon; planted in the house of the Lord, they will flourish in the courts of our God. They will still bear fruit in old age, they will stay fresh and green, proclaiming, ‘The Lord is upright; He is my Rock.’”

Psalm 92:12-15

Cedar Rock’s core values are powerful presence, restful receiving, unhurried pace, frequent subtraction, curious exploration, intentional play, and holistic growth. Each of these values is woven into the experience of their retreats — not just as ideas, but as ways of life.

Why We Chose Cedar Rock Ministries

One of the focuses of Perspective Confessions is well-being.

Constant stress, busyness, and a non-stop pace are not recipes for well-being — and yet, that’s how many of us live. The truth is, if we don’t intentionally choose to slow down, we never will. Our relationships, and our own hearts, eventually pay the price.

If you’ve read this far, that probably resonates with you. We have a real problem in Western culture with hurried living. Life doesn’t give us permission to slow down. We have to decide to do that for ourselves…to make intentional choices that prioritize rest, relationships, and silence.

That’s what led my husband, Jeff, and me to set a goal for 2025: to attend a One Couple Retreat with Cedar Rock Ministries. We wanted to pause, reconnect, and invest in our marriage…not just for us, but for the legacy we’re building together.

Our Experience: A One Couple Retreat

Our retreat took place at Glen Eyrie in Colorado Springs, Colorado — one of the most breathtaking places we’ve ever been. Nestled between red rock cliffs (right beside Garden of the Gods) and tall evergreens, the castle and grounds created the most peaceful venue. It felt like sacred ground — quiet, restorative, and wrapped in God’s presence.

The retreat itself was unlike anything we had experienced before. This wasn’t traditional marriage counseling or group therapy. It was deeply personal, one-on-one time with Nick and Renée Fouts, the founders of Cedar Rock Ministries, who welcomed us not as clients, but as friends.

They were so generous with their time with us. They listened deeply to our story: the challenges of blending families, the nuances of second marriages, the baggage we were both carrying with us, and the ways we wanted to grow closer to each other and to God.

What made it so powerful was hearing from both of them — husband and wife, man and woman. Their insights balanced and complemented each other beautifully, giving us perspective that a single counselor simply couldn’t.

Nick and Renée’s approach was gentle, wise, and deeply rooted in Scripture. There was no rush, no formula, just a rhythm of grace and honest conversation. We felt completely seen, known, and loved.

It wasn’t therapy — it was ministry. And it shifted something in us.

In the stillness of Glen Eyrie, surrounded by creation’s beauty, we experienced slowing down to listen to one another, and to make room for God to move.

As Jeff and I left our time with Nick and Renee, we both felt a quiet peace settle over us — the kind of peace that lingers. We left with renewed hearts, softened toward one another and more aware of God’s presence in our marriage.

That’s the beauty of slowing down long enough to listen — to God, to your spouse, and even to yourself. Somewhere between the conversations, the stillness, and the prayers, we found what our souls are craving: connection, understanding, and rest.

Marriage isn’t something you set on autopilot. It takes tending, grace, and a willingness to see your spouse not as an obstacle or project, but as a gift. This retreat reminded us that our relationship is a reflection God’s love, patience, and faithfulness.

If you’ve been feeling the weight of constant motion…like life is moving faster than your heart can keep up…maybe this is your reminder to pause. To step away from the noise, to seek God together, and to let Him renew what the world so easily tears apart.

Our time with Cedar Rock Ministries at Glen Eyrie was more than a retreat. It was an invitation to live slower, love deeper, and remember that when we make space for God, He restores and renews.

Conversations with God – Video

Conversations with God - Video

We have so many voices speaking into our lives these days. More than our parents and grandparents because of the social media platforms, the internet, and streaming services, etc, that we have nowadays.

This is the video version of my Conversations with God. I wrote about it recently, linked here. If a 40 second video is more your speed than reading, I’ve got you covered. Just press play below.

If you’ve been feeling disconnected from God recently, take a few moments to ask God, “how do you delight in me?”. Then, listen for His response. How He speaks to you will be unique to you just like it was for me. My cat being brought to my mind was unique and specific in how He spoke to me.

God is listening and He wants to hear from you.

Conversations with God

In this post, we will explore how to have conversations with God. It’s easier than what you might think!

Conversations with God

What does a cat have to do with talking with God?

Well, in this conversation with God, a lot!

There have been quite a few times that I’ve retreated for quiet time with God and this furbaby comes to find me. He’s a very cute and cuddly interruption. 😆

Purrcy is my sweet boy.

A few years ago, I completed a weekend retreat. While there, I learned how to make space for God. I learned that it’s not nearly as important as what I say in prayer as it is being with God…thus being silent and still. In this way, it’s much easier to hear God when He speaks. And He does speak to us, we just have to make space and learn to discern His voice.

Don’t we need to hear from Him now more than ever?!

A while before this weekend retreat, I had started asking God questions and listening. One Saturday morning before I got out of bed, I asked God, “how do you delight in me?” The first thing that popped into my mind was a picture of Purrcy and my eyes welled up with tears. If God delights in me like I delight in Purrcy, that says a lot to me. God knew just how to answer my question that morning. It was an impactful answer…that He delights in me, He loves me freely with no holds barred. He delights in holding me close. He delights in my personality, in my heart, and how He made me. He loves me easily and He can even use a special furry friend to show me.

I hope you are seeing and hearing God in all the places in your life, because He is whispering. He is everywhere around us. As your week or day wraps up, I hope you find space to ask God “how do you delight in me?”. Then, listen for his prompting. For me, this practice helps me combat anxiety and the stress from my crazy, busy life. I want this same thing for you too. To know that you are delighted in, that you are loved by a mighty Heavenly Father, and that you are held by Him.

Want more resources for how you can practice silence and stillness, and combat our noisy, modern world? Check out this post.

Surrender in Faith- Part 2

Surrender in Faith
Please make sure to read Surrender – Part 1 of this series.

Journal Entry from June 10, 2018

“This has been a very difficult week. I have contemplated my health and body more than ever. I’ve been scared out of my mind, overwhelmed beyond belief and beaten down.

I didn’t know being sick would affect me that way. It has rattled me to my core. When your body decides to rebel against you, it’s unnerving.

The thing that has scared me and continues to scare me is becoming sick and not being able to live life as I once was able to. So much can be taken away so quickly. No warning.

The emotional ramifications of that is profound. In those moments, you realize how much you take for granted all the time.

And you realize just how much you aren’t in control. It’s funny how I believe I’m in control all the time or at least most of the time and the reality is I’ve never been in control. I’ve only conned myself into thinking that. Surrendering is hard. Surrendering my strong-will is hard. And this week I wasn’t left with much of anything but surrender.

What I mean is I found myself alone, struggling to understand even what the meaning of life is, what happiness is, reflecting on how I’ve been living my life, treating my body, caring or not caring for my body, my emotional well-being, utterly overwhelmed and consumed, not able to focus or think or function. Realizing that when you are sick, it’s you and you alone. There’s no other person that can go through it with you. No one else truly knows how you feel. It’s only you. And it leaves you reflecting on your spiritual life, clinging to God because He’s the only one that can go through this with you.

Learning to rely on Him is hard. Surrendering is hard, and I don’t like surrendering. I laugh when I say that because God made me after all! He knows I’m stubborn and strong-willed, not going down without a fight, He knows I’ll get scrappy if needed. 🙂

Maybe surrendering is the strongest thing I can do.

Asking Him to fill me with His peace and joy. (Romans 15:13) I found myself casting out the enemy’s anxiety and fear in Jesus name because my God is bigger than that.

I found myself heavily relying on God to carry me through this. And it’s amazing that at every turn, no matter the progress in recovery I have made, the evil one is standing by interjecting fear and worry at every turn.

The enemy is unrelenting.

I wonder if God gets weary of us and our inability to remain faithful even for a few minutes?

That’s been another prayer of mine as well, “Lord, please help me in my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24) I do believe, but I am weak.

God would show me His healing power by my tongue becoming functional to taste again. My eyelids blinking at the same time, strength coming back to my lips so I could spit toothpaste in the sink from the center of my mouth.

Even in all these ways He’s showing me He’s taking care of me and I still fear and wait anxiously.

Giving it over to Him is hard. All the while knowing He can do so much better at all this than me.

Being sick is scary. Being helpless is frightening.

I have thought about my mom a lot. She was sick for so long and I’m sure she was scared and felt alone.

…help me in my unbelief…

Today, I feel much improved, but anxiety and worry still take up way too many of my thoughts. All craziness. I know this logically, but the fear and worry have another agenda. The enemy’s mind games.

I know my God does not want me to suffer. He does not want me to worry. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30)

I want to have a closer relationship with Him. One that I can trust and lean upon Him. Surrender to Him.

I want to have close to my heart the knowing that God loves me, He delights in me. I want to put down the knowing that I’ve had in the past. I often see God as disappointed in me, displeased with me. A punishing God because I have not done the things I should.

All of those negative, ugly ways I thought about God, I want to put down.

I want to know Him as my Father who loves me and cares for me and wants the best for me.

He wants me to follow Him, surrender to Him. And I think I’ve been unable to know Him, to follow Him because I’ve been ashamed. Feeling too unworthy to approach Him, unworthy of His love, unworthy to really know Him. Why would God want to know me?

I think it’s easy to believe that when you’re sometimes not seen by those who are closest to you. If you’ve ever experienced someone close to you that seemingly doesn’t openly delight in you or that’s how you’ve interpreted it anyway. You are left feeling unnoticed and unworthy and unimportant. All lies from the devil in association with God.

I pray God’s grace upon my unworthiness. I pray for His help in my surrender to His ways. To lean on Him and not worry. I pray for release from the anxiety, to live in His joy and His freedom. Help me in my unbelief. To be still and know. (Psalm 46:10) To wait because He will fight for me. (Exodus 14:14) His grace and mercy is sufficient. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

God wants me to be happy and live a full life in Him and I should stop living in fear and start doing just that.

His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30) Lord help me to know that, not just logically but in all ways and to rest in You. (Matthew 11:28)”

I was recently reminded of a scene in the movie, The Shack. Have you seen it? If not, I recommend it. It’s a powerful movie.

The scene I’m referring to is the one where Mack, the main character, is in a boat on the lake. Everything seems peaceful and then his mind starts taking him back to a pivotal point in his life. Playing mind games and suddenly the boat begins filling with black water. Mack is panicking!

Then you hear the sound of Jesus’ voice telling Mack he’s ok. Jesus says, “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.” “Focus on me,” he says.

When Mack is finally able to raise his eyes to focus on Jesus, the boat returns as it was and Mack is ok.

Click on the link below to watch the scene from The Shack, the first 2:30 minutes.

https://youtu.be/G1OHyINxuRQ

Isn’t that how life is? When we are drowning, we are focusing on the pain and the turmoil.

If we can lift our eyes to focus on Him…know that He’s there and He will never leave.

I struggle to keep my eyes lifted and focused on Him and Bell’s Palsy proved no different.

It’s been 7 years since my bout with Bell’s Palsy.

It often takes going through something to see the beautiful picture that God painted, and how He strengthened my faith. Hardships make our faith strong. “I am made strong in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:5-10)

If you are wrestling with trying times that life has dealt you, I encourage you to lift your eyes and focus on Him as best you can. He’s there and He’s walking beside you.

Surrender – Part 1

Surrender - Part 1

Thursday, May 31, 2018 is the day I woke up like any other day to get ready for work…feed my dog, Sophie Bear, pick out my outfit for the day, shower, dress, fix my hair and brush my teeth.

It wasn’t until I brushed my teeth that I realized something was wrong with my face. I leaned over the sink to spit out the toothpaste and my mouth wouldn’t work right. My lips went sideways, I couldn’t pucker to spit. Weird, I thought. Maybe I did that wrong?

That was my thought. I spit wrong. Even though I’ve been spitting toothpaste in the sink for years. How does someone forget how to spit?!

So, I tried again. Same thing. My lips went sideways, I couldn’t pucker to spit.

That’s when I really examined myself in the mirror. What’s wrong?!?! My heart started beating a little faster and I was becoming more alarmed by the minute.

I, then, realized my left eye wasn’t closing as firmly as my right. I tried squeezing as hard as I could, and the left side wouldn’t squeeze shut.

What.was.wrong?!?!

Stroke was the word that entered my mind.

I flew out of the bathroom to the mirror in the living room and looked there as if I thought changing mirrors would change the function of my face.

I tried puckering my lips and they just looked weird, my pucker wasn’t centered. I looked at my eyes again and tried squeezing them shut. The right eye felt strong and squeezed shut as my muscles commanded it to, the left eye was lacking. I was scared! Jeff and I commute into work together and I told him to go without me, I was going to the Urgent Care.

Bell’s Palsy or a stroke?

Among all the frantic thoughts in my head, thoughts of my mom were there too.

She suffered from having several mini strokes in her last months.

Was this happening to me? What was going on?

When I pulled up to the Urgent Care, of course, they don’t open until 8:00 am and I arrived at 7:15 am. Great! Now I get to sit in my car and let my thoughts swirl in my head about what is happening to me.

Those minutes ticked by so, so slowly. It was excruciating. Finally, the doors opened. When I was signing in at the front desk, the nurse asked me for the symptoms I was experiencing. As soon as I got out of my mouth that the left side of my face wasn’t working right, she immediately sent me to triage.

This only concerned me more and it validated that something was wrong. My body was rebelling against me and it came out of nowhere.

The doctor followed right behind me into triage and ran several physical tests like asking me to squeeze her fingers to check for weakness in my hands and arms.

She asked several questions like did I feel weakness on one side of my body and asking me to repeat phrases.

The only other symptom I had was the left side of my tongue had gone numb the day before. I couldn’t taste on that side, but I didn’t think much of it.

The doctor then told me her diagnosis was Bell’s Palsy.

“Do you know what Bells Palsy is?”, she asked.

“No. Can it be healed?”, I replied in response.

The doctor was very gracious in assuring me she had experienced Bell’s Palsy about 15 years before and often it comes out of nowhere, but it can be caused by a virus that attacks the facial muscles usually on just one side of the face. She urged me, though, to go to an emergency room to get an MRI to rule out the possibility of a stroke.

I left Urgent Care in a daze. I was frantic, heart still racing, yet calm at the same time. Jeff was blowing up my phone, but I didn’t want to talk.

I was trying to process what my body was doing and how I was going to spring into action.

If you know me well, you know I’m a person of action.

I do not take things laying down. I’m proactive to the nth degree.

All that sounds great, the being proactive stuff, right? Well, yes and no.

Here’s the negative part of being so proactive and feeling the need to be in control…I don’t let others care for me.

At this point, I’m shutting Jeff out because I don’t know how to deal. I don’t know how to process what’s going on with me and I’m shutting him out.

When I finally answer the phone when he calls, he says he’s packing up at work and will meet me at the ER.

“No.” I tell him. “I will go to the ER, but I’m going into work first.”

Weird reaction, right? I know, thus is the conundrum of me. I am a soldier in the mist of my world falling apart. Pushing onward, not letting myself feel, just doing.

Jeff is frantic on the other end of the phone and I start crying as I knew I would and I told him I had to go. I don’t deal well with not knowing what to do. I was struggling to control my own emotions and I didn’t have room for anyone else’s emotions even though Jeff was certainly entitled.

I drove to work. When I got to the parking garage, I pulled out my makeup that I hadn’t put on yet. Tears were still rolling down my cheeks. I pulled the mirrored visor down and looked at my face.

My face was betraying me. Even in crying, the left side of my face was not distorting with emotion. It was sort of frozen which made me cry more.

What was happening to me? I dried up my tears as much as I could and put on my makeup. Putting on eye makeup was strange and made the tears start to roll again because I couldn’t close my left eyelid to put on eye shadow.

I only checked in at work, talked with my boss, told him what was going on and cried tremendously while telling him. I told him about my mom and the strokes that she had and how concerned that made me. Hearing the word Stoke in reference to yourself is a hard pill to swallow.

Jeff met me at my office and we soon left for the ER for the MRI and had the diagnosis of stroke ruled out. I had Bells Palsy and I would experience the symptoms for weeks.

The above is a play by play of how I spent my Thursday morning and afternoon of May 31, 2018.

This was my first time experiencing a sickness that wasn’t curable in a few days with a round of antibiotics.

Stay tuned…next week I’ll share how this sickness tested my faith.

A Prayer of Lament When Life is Overwhelming

A Prayer of Lament When Life is Overwhelming

We often find ourselves in the middle of anxiety, constant busyness, and the weight of everyday life. It’s not always easy to find the words to describe what we are feeling.

This is the video version of my personal Psalm of Lament—a cry out to God in the chaos. I wrote about it recently, linked here. If a 90 second video is more your speed than reading, I’ve got you covered. Just press play below.

If you’ve ever felt weary, anxious, or overwhelmed, may these words give voice to what your heart longs to say.

If this resonates with you, I’d love to know—feel free to share your own words of lament in the comments.