Tag: fear

Surrender in Faith- Part 2

Surrender in Faith
Please make sure to read Surrender – Part 1 of this series.

Journal Entry from June 10, 2018

“This has been a very difficult week. I have contemplated my health and body more than ever. I’ve been scared out of my mind, overwhelmed beyond belief and beaten down.

I didn’t know being sick would affect me that way. It has rattled me to my core. When your body decides to rebel against you, it’s unnerving.

The thing that has scared me and continues to scare me is becoming sick and not being able to live life as I once was able to. So much can be taken away so quickly. No warning.

The emotional ramifications of that is profound. In those moments, you realize how much you take for granted all the time.

And you realize just how much you aren’t in control. It’s funny how I believe I’m in control all the time or at least most of the time and the reality is I’ve never been in control. I’ve only conned myself into thinking that. Surrendering is hard. Surrendering my strong-will is hard. And this week I wasn’t left with much of anything but surrender.

What I mean is I found myself alone, struggling to understand even what the meaning of life is, what happiness is, reflecting on how I’ve been living my life, treating my body, caring or not caring for my body, my emotional well-being, utterly overwhelmed and consumed, not able to focus or think or function. Realizing that when you are sick, it’s you and you alone. There’s no other person that can go through it with you. No one else truly knows how you feel. It’s only you. And it leaves you reflecting on your spiritual life, clinging to God because He’s the only one that can go through this with you.

Learning to rely on Him is hard. Surrendering is hard, and I don’t like surrendering. I laugh when I say that because God made me after all! He knows I’m stubborn and strong-willed, not going down without a fight, He knows I’ll get scrappy if needed. 🙂

Maybe surrendering is the strongest thing I can do.

Asking Him to fill me with His peace and joy. (Romans 15:13) I found myself casting out the enemy’s anxiety and fear in Jesus name because my God is bigger than that.

I found myself heavily relying on God to carry me through this. And it’s amazing that at every turn, no matter the progress in recovery I have made, the evil one is standing by interjecting fear and worry at every turn.

The enemy is unrelenting.

I wonder if God gets weary of us and our inability to remain faithful even for a few minutes?

That’s been another prayer of mine as well, “Lord, please help me in my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24) I do believe, but I am weak.

God would show me His healing power by my tongue becoming functional to taste again. My eyelids blinking at the same time, strength coming back to my lips so I could spit toothpaste in the sink from the center of my mouth.

Even in all these ways He’s showing me He’s taking care of me and I still fear and wait anxiously.

Giving it over to Him is hard. All the while knowing He can do so much better at all this than me.

Being sick is scary. Being helpless is frightening.

I have thought about my mom a lot. She was sick for so long and I’m sure she was scared and felt alone.

…help me in my unbelief…

Today, I feel much improved, but anxiety and worry still take up way too many of my thoughts. All craziness. I know this logically, but the fear and worry have another agenda. The enemy’s mind games.

I know my God does not want me to suffer. He does not want me to worry. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30)

I want to have a closer relationship with Him. One that I can trust and lean upon Him. Surrender to Him.

I want to have close to my heart the knowing that God loves me, He delights in me. I want to put down the knowing that I’ve had in the past. I often see God as disappointed in me, displeased with me. A punishing God because I have not done the things I should.

All of those negative, ugly ways I thought about God, I want to put down.

I want to know Him as my Father who loves me and cares for me and wants the best for me.

He wants me to follow Him, surrender to Him. And I think I’ve been unable to know Him, to follow Him because I’ve been ashamed. Feeling too unworthy to approach Him, unworthy of His love, unworthy to really know Him. Why would God want to know me?

I think it’s easy to believe that when you’re sometimes not seen by those who are closest to you. If you’ve ever experienced someone close to you that seemingly doesn’t openly delight in you or that’s how you’ve interpreted it anyway. You are left feeling unnoticed and unworthy and unimportant. All lies from the devil in association with God.

I pray God’s grace upon my unworthiness. I pray for His help in my surrender to His ways. To lean on Him and not worry. I pray for release from the anxiety, to live in His joy and His freedom. Help me in my unbelief. To be still and know. (Psalm 46:10) To wait because He will fight for me. (Exodus 14:14) His grace and mercy is sufficient. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

God wants me to be happy and live a full life in Him and I should stop living in fear and start doing just that.

His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30) Lord help me to know that, not just logically but in all ways and to rest in You. (Matthew 11:28)”

I was recently reminded of a scene in the movie, The Shack. Have you seen it? If not, I recommend it. It’s a powerful movie.

The scene I’m referring to is the one where Mack, the main character, is in a boat on the lake. Everything seems peaceful and then his mind starts taking him back to a pivotal point in his life. Playing mind games and suddenly the boat begins filling with black water. Mack is panicking!

Then you hear the sound of Jesus’ voice telling Mack he’s ok. Jesus says, “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.” “Focus on me,” he says.

When Mack is finally able to raise his eyes to focus on Jesus, the boat returns as it was and Mack is ok.

Click on the link below to watch the scene from The Shack, the first 2:30 minutes.

https://youtu.be/G1OHyINxuRQ

Isn’t that how life is? When we are drowning, we are focusing on the pain and the turmoil.

If we can lift our eyes to focus on Him…know that He’s there and He will never leave.

I struggle to keep my eyes lifted and focused on Him and Bell’s Palsy proved no different.

It’s been 7 years since my bout with Bell’s Palsy.

It often takes going through something to see the beautiful picture that God painted, and how He strengthened my faith. Hardships make our faith strong. “I am made strong in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:5-10)

If you are wrestling with trying times that life has dealt you, I encourage you to lift your eyes and focus on Him as best you can. He’s there and He’s walking beside you.

Silent Retreat 2025: Table Exercise

Silent Retreat 2025: Table Exercise

If you haven’t read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 yet of the Silent Retreat 2025 series, see links for the full story. 

The final morning of the retreat, Danielle was the first up to make breakfast for all of us.

As the cabin slowly began waking up, each of us wandered to the kitchen. We were still in silence. Some ate breakfast at the long kitchen table. Others took their breakfast on the back porch or in the living room. 

I pulled up a chair facing the window, ate my breakfast, and continued reading my Living Fearless book until time to meet in the living room. This gathering would indicate our coming out of silence.

Danielle led us in songs of praise and scripture. Then the focus is back to us and she asks who would like to share how God met us in our silence.

It’s not a requirement to share. It’s an invitation with what you feel comfortable sharing.

Each woman’s experience was unique. Each was tender, sweet, and sometimes heartbreaking too. Life stuff that needed to surface in the slowing down and silence so God could tenderly be near and have the opportunity to love, care, and begin the healing. 

I decided to share something I wrote which was prompted at the very beginning of silence.

Rewind back to the first night. Danielle prompted us to take part in an exercise using our holy imaginations.

What is holy imagination? God created you after His own image. God has an incredible imagination. Have you enjoyed a painted sky at sunset or sunrise? What about a giraffe or zebra? Then, you have experienced His imagination in creation. I think He may have a sense of humor too.

God created your imagination also. With His Spirit living within us, we are capable of using our holy imaginations while asking Him to guide us.

That first night, Danielle prompted us to close our eyes and imagine a table. What does the table look like? How many chairs? Where is the table? Is there a distinct scent or smell? 

You are at the table and Jesus appears too. Where are you sitting? Where is Jesus sitting? What does Jesus look like?

Jesus asks you if there’s something of value you’d like to give Him. What is it? What do you have to give Jesus?

What happens when you give it to Him?

Jesus also has something to give to you. What does He have for you? What happens when He gives it to you?

Do you have a conversation with Jesus? What does He say to you? What do you say to Him?

Below is my result of the exercise and what I shared with the ladies as part of my experience with God during that weekend.

Circle table. Where? No characteristics to the room. Only 2 chairs. No distinct smell. What am I holding that is of value to give to Jesus? 

Control.

Jesus sits down directly across from me. 

What does He look like?

He looks kind. Long hair. Beard. Gentle smile.

“Is there something you’d like to give me?” He asks. A gentle question.

My eyes immediately fill with tears and the tears fall from my face to the table.

I know He’s asking for something that is not and was never mine. And yet it’s something I hold onto so tightly because it feels like I am in control. 

I get to make decisions. I get to choose where my life goes next.

The control I have to give Him is lies.

It’s a lie I’ve believed in for so long so I could feel safety and security. 

It’s all an illusion.

Jesus knows this and He knows I’m coming to that conclusion too.

“What would you like to give me?” He gently asks again.

“Control,” I reply with an emotion filled voice and tear filled eyes.

The control I have is represented as a hand-sized white orb that glows.

I take it from my lap and put it on the table. I stare at it scared to let it go because it represents that I can control my fears. 

And if I don’t have it, what then? Am I doomed? Will I disappear? Will I survive? What will become of me?

I look across the table to Jesus with tears running down my face.

“I know,” He whispers. 

His eyes are kind and compassionate. He extends His arms across the table to meet me in my dilemma. 

Again, an invitation.

This gives me a bit more courage to push the white orb of control to the middle of the table where Jesus’ hands are.

It’s only then that I notice His hands. They are large, masculine yet soft. They remind me of my Dad’s hands. Then, I remember that my Dad was made in His image too.

I see the scars on His hands and a new wave of emotion strikes me.

Jesus did not control the cruxifixction. He asked God to “let this cup pass from me”. There was no other way and He let His Father’s will be done. 

He chose to not control. He surrendered. 

Jesus knows the temptation to control and how hard it is to surrender.

Even though the white, glowing orb of control is now in the middle of the table, I have not let go of it yet.

Jesus’ hands are open to receive and I open mine to release, to let go…

The white orb rolls into His hands. He pulls it into Himself and it’s gone. 

His hands come back to meet mine. “I know how hard that was,” he says. 

“You were holding onto something that was not real, something that the harder you gripped it, the more life it took from you.”

“Now, your hands are open and ready to receive the gifts and blessings I have for you instead. Now, you can carry me with you to combat the fears, the hardships, the scary things in your life. You can grip and hold onto me as tightly as you’d like. I am not going anywhere. I am with you always. I have always been with you. With the relinquishment of control, you have made room for me.”

“I am real. I am truth. You traded what is false for what is true. How much better is that? Do not grieve letting go of lies. Stand firm in truth. You are my daughter. I know your heart and I love you,” Jesus says to me. 

What do you have that is valuable to you to give to Jesus today? What do you think He has for you?

Lead the way, Lord. Amen.

Silent Retreat 2025: Distractions

Silent Retreat 2025: Distractions

If you haven’t had a chance to catch up, make sure to read Part 1 and Part 2 of the Silent Retreat 2025 series.

I’ve been writing a lot lately about combating all the distractions we have in our everyday lives. Our modern world is distracting!

Distractions at a silent retreat can happen too. In Part 2, I wrote about the tremendous rain and storms that happened in the area. The weather, of course, was distracting.

There was another distraction for me that weekend, though. Right after we turned in our phones that first night, I found wasps in my room. Not 1, not 2, but 3 wasps in my bathroom!

Danielle helped me kill them. After she left, I was jumpy because I didn’t know where they came from or if there were more. And I knew I had to sleep in my bed that night. I would need to revisit my bathroom to shower!

I felt vulnerable and exposed. I managed to shower successfully without any more wasps. As I was getting ready for bed, I noticed a wasp in the window.

The room I was in had a loft to it. There was a ladder and a bunk up overhead and the wasp was up high on the window. I prayed that he’d just stay there.

I was able to sleep fairly well that evening. The next morning as I was getting ready, I noticed a wasp on the floor. I thought it was already dead but decided to step on it anyway. It was not already dead…

This is now 4 wasps that have been killed in my room.

When I came back to my room later that afternoon, there were 2 more wasps in my bathroom. Danielle had gotten some wasp spray. I retrieved it and put it to use. The wasp I sprayed with it…well, it seemed to only make it angry!

It crawled into a crevice in the baseboard. “Great!” I thought. I sprayed more wasp spray in the crevice. Out it came, seemingly more angry. I stepped on it and cleaned up the residue of the spray.

The other wasp was in the shower. I took my wash cloth and swatted at it. It clung to the wash cloth. I dropped it, of course. Finally, I was able to step on that one too.

“Where in the world are they coming from?” I thought to myself. That was the eeriest part of it. Not knowing where they were coming from or how many more there were.

That night was not as restful. I seriously considered not taking a shower. Mainly because I didn’t want to be caught exposed having to battle another wasp.

I made a deal with myself that I would shower, but it would be fast. I had planned to wash my hair, and decided against it.

Showering was successful. No other wasps.

I got ready for bed and laid down to read. While reading, I noticed a wasp flying high above me in the loft area. I had the ceiling fan on and I hoped that would do the trick. Maybe he will just leave me alone. I’m leaving him alone and thinking surely he’d leave me alone too.

I turned out the light and tried to sleep. No. such. luck. I tossed and turned and for sure the wasp was on my mind.

I turned the lamp back on again and sat up in bed. I didn’t want to read anymore. Coloring in my devotional coloring book it is!

It’s still storming outside, by the way. Rain is continuing to beat down. Lightening is lighting up the night sky and rumbles of thunder follow.

I colored for a long while. I kept my eye on the wasp every once and while. He was still flying above me from time to time.

Around 2:30 in the morning, the wasp made his move. He flew down close to me, the buzzing close to my ear. He landed on the wall close to my bedside.

Nope! Nope! Ok, I’m done.

This is wasp number 7. I did not want to attempt to kill this one. It’s early in the morning. If I miss and get stung, I’m going to be alone to deal with it. And I didn’t want to wake the rest of the house either.

While keeping my eyes fixated on this wasp, I gathered my pillow and a bag and went downstairs.

After getting downstairs, I thought about it for a minute. I decided to go back up and get all the rest of my things too. I was done with the eerie wasps.

There was a half bathroom downstairs that I could get ready in the next morning. And I could sleep on one of the couches in the living room.

And that’s what I did. I colored more first. This was me trying to calm my nerves about the wasps. I relaxed finally and laid down to sleep.

The rain still pouring outside. Lightening and thundering too.

I believe the wasps were a distraction tactic by the enemy. Doesn’t the enemy want to keep you from God? Why would the enemy be happy about your trying to spend uninterrupted time with God?

While I knew this was true and I prayed about it, and prayed for the wasps to go away. They didn’t.

What I also thought was interesting was the wasps, when I killed them were fairly easy to kill. They didn’t put up much of a fight, didn’t fly at me. They were slow. They weren’t flying very much and they weren’t able to defend themselves well.

When I talked with my dad later that day on the way home, I told him about them. He said they had been hibernating and were emerging but stiff and not as agile.

What I know to be true is the enemy has no authority over us unless we agree to his lies. The enemy is weak in comparison to our God.

The wasps were scary. Knowing they were in the room was scary, but they didn’t pose as much of a threat as they appeared. I wasn’t stung, but the threat was there.

I believe that the wasps were a representation of the enemy and his lies. However, truth is more powerful and always holds authority over evil.

I also think there is a significance to there being 7 wasps. The number 7 is very significant in the Bible.

*It appears over 700 times in the Bible.

*The significance of the number 7 represents perfection and completion.

*Creation happened in 7 days. – Genesis 1; 2: 1-2

*God rested on the 7th day.

*It is exoneration and healing.

*It is a fulfillment of promises and oaths.

*Reference linked from christianity.com.

The wasps nor the enemy were successful that weekend in their distractions.

They were minor distractions that I needed to deal with and handle.

The Silent Retreat weekend was fruitful in rest, safety, and connection with the Heavenly Father.

And I’d do it all again. May I take the experience of the wasps with me as I encounter other distractions and fears.

May I remember:

I pray that you also stand on these truths the next time you encounter fear distracting you from the Father’s love.

Stay tuned for another installment of my Silent Retreat weekend next week!

A Prayer for When Fear Overtakes

Photo Credit: Ben White – unsplash.com

After the year we’ve collectively experienced, I found that the solitude and the quiet of being away from others made me very thankful at times because it allowed me to think and re-order my life and then at other times had me in crippling fear and anxiety. The funny thing is I don’t remember writing this prayer as a whole, bits and pieces, yes. When I was reviewing my prayer journal a couple months ago, I came across this prayer I wrote. I’ve re-worded it to hopefully be applicable to anyone, however, I wrote it when my job was in jeopardy. My company went through a massive re-organization last year and I was so scared of losing my job. I asked the Holy Spirit to come and He truly did because I know the Holy Spirit intercedes on our behalf when we pray and He certainly interceded on my behalf here. Otherwise this prayer wouldn’t be so powerful. I hope that you can save this prayer and pray it when you are crippled in fear and the anxiety won’t go away. I know sometimes when you are crippled in fear it’s hard to find the words to pray. I hope this gives you words to use. He is always with us.

Heavenly Father,

How easy it is to be thrown off track, to become uncentered. The world feels unstable and instead of clinging to you, I run away and hide or busy myself in busyness to ignore it all. I know you are the King of Kings, the creator of all. You are more powerful and mighty than any trouble, any stress, any worry. The devil loves to play his games with my emotions, my doubts, my fears, my vulnerabilities. Holy Spirit I pray you come. Fill me with your peace and joy. Ground me in your truth. Quiet my mind. Make still my nerves. Help me remember whose I am. Help me remember that you and you alone have control no matter the level of chaos. Lord Jesus, in your name, I cast away the worry and fear. In your name, Father, I cast aside the anxiety. Fear does not come from you! Love comes from you. I need this always in my life. I am open to your love, your peace, your spirit. Lord Jesus, in your name this day will not be overwhelming, it will be successful, it will be okay. This day cannot overtake me, it cannot overwhelm me. This day does not have that power and control over me. This day does not have permission to be these things because, Father, you are with me and you created this day and I will rejoice in it. I am grounded in you. I am grounded in your truth. Regardless of the Goliath in this day or in this season of my life and even if I only have a slingshot and a rock, ALL things are possible with you. Truth always stands. Hope is not silent. I am the daughter/son of a King. My worth and value is found in you. You hold my worth and value. Help me to stand grounded in that. Help me to stand firm and not waver. You created me and blessed me with talents and gifts that have a purpose. You have a larger plan, a greater picture than this small piece that I can see in front of me. Help me to rest in you, in your love. Lift my eyes to see you in the midst of the storm. Quiet my mind and fill me with your peace and joy. Holy Spirit come.

Amen

Prayer by Carlynn Rainey-Crawford