Tag: Jesus

Surrender in Faith- Part 2

Surrender in Faith
Please make sure to read Surrender – Part 1 of this series.

Journal Entry from June 10, 2018

“This has been a very difficult week. I have contemplated my health and body more than ever. I’ve been scared out of my mind, overwhelmed beyond belief and beaten down.

I didn’t know being sick would affect me that way. It has rattled me to my core. When your body decides to rebel against you, it’s unnerving.

The thing that has scared me and continues to scare me is becoming sick and not being able to live life as I once was able to. So much can be taken away so quickly. No warning.

The emotional ramifications of that is profound. In those moments, you realize how much you take for granted all the time.

And you realize just how much you aren’t in control. It’s funny how I believe I’m in control all the time or at least most of the time and the reality is I’ve never been in control. I’ve only conned myself into thinking that. Surrendering is hard. Surrendering my strong-will is hard. And this week I wasn’t left with much of anything but surrender.

What I mean is I found myself alone, struggling to understand even what the meaning of life is, what happiness is, reflecting on how I’ve been living my life, treating my body, caring or not caring for my body, my emotional well-being, utterly overwhelmed and consumed, not able to focus or think or function. Realizing that when you are sick, it’s you and you alone. There’s no other person that can go through it with you. No one else truly knows how you feel. It’s only you. And it leaves you reflecting on your spiritual life, clinging to God because He’s the only one that can go through this with you.

Learning to rely on Him is hard. Surrendering is hard, and I don’t like surrendering. I laugh when I say that because God made me after all! He knows I’m stubborn and strong-willed, not going down without a fight, He knows I’ll get scrappy if needed. 🙂

Maybe surrendering is the strongest thing I can do.

Asking Him to fill me with His peace and joy. (Romans 15:13) I found myself casting out the enemy’s anxiety and fear in Jesus name because my God is bigger than that.

I found myself heavily relying on God to carry me through this. And it’s amazing that at every turn, no matter the progress in recovery I have made, the evil one is standing by interjecting fear and worry at every turn.

The enemy is unrelenting.

I wonder if God gets weary of us and our inability to remain faithful even for a few minutes?

That’s been another prayer of mine as well, “Lord, please help me in my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24) I do believe, but I am weak.

God would show me His healing power by my tongue becoming functional to taste again. My eyelids blinking at the same time, strength coming back to my lips so I could spit toothpaste in the sink from the center of my mouth.

Even in all these ways He’s showing me He’s taking care of me and I still fear and wait anxiously.

Giving it over to Him is hard. All the while knowing He can do so much better at all this than me.

Being sick is scary. Being helpless is frightening.

I have thought about my mom a lot. She was sick for so long and I’m sure she was scared and felt alone.

…help me in my unbelief…

Today, I feel much improved, but anxiety and worry still take up way too many of my thoughts. All craziness. I know this logically, but the fear and worry have another agenda. The enemy’s mind games.

I know my God does not want me to suffer. He does not want me to worry. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30)

I want to have a closer relationship with Him. One that I can trust and lean upon Him. Surrender to Him.

I want to have close to my heart the knowing that God loves me, He delights in me. I want to put down the knowing that I’ve had in the past. I often see God as disappointed in me, displeased with me. A punishing God because I have not done the things I should.

All of those negative, ugly ways I thought about God, I want to put down.

I want to know Him as my Father who loves me and cares for me and wants the best for me.

He wants me to follow Him, surrender to Him. And I think I’ve been unable to know Him, to follow Him because I’ve been ashamed. Feeling too unworthy to approach Him, unworthy of His love, unworthy to really know Him. Why would God want to know me?

I think it’s easy to believe that when you’re sometimes not seen by those who are closest to you. If you’ve ever experienced someone close to you that seemingly doesn’t openly delight in you or that’s how you’ve interpreted it anyway. You are left feeling unnoticed and unworthy and unimportant. All lies from the devil in association with God.

I pray God’s grace upon my unworthiness. I pray for His help in my surrender to His ways. To lean on Him and not worry. I pray for release from the anxiety, to live in His joy and His freedom. Help me in my unbelief. To be still and know. (Psalm 46:10) To wait because He will fight for me. (Exodus 14:14) His grace and mercy is sufficient. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

God wants me to be happy and live a full life in Him and I should stop living in fear and start doing just that.

His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30) Lord help me to know that, not just logically but in all ways and to rest in You. (Matthew 11:28)”

I was recently reminded of a scene in the movie, The Shack. Have you seen it? If not, I recommend it. It’s a powerful movie.

The scene I’m referring to is the one where Mack, the main character, is in a boat on the lake. Everything seems peaceful and then his mind starts taking him back to a pivotal point in his life. Playing mind games and suddenly the boat begins filling with black water. Mack is panicking!

Then you hear the sound of Jesus’ voice telling Mack he’s ok. Jesus says, “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.” “Focus on me,” he says.

When Mack is finally able to raise his eyes to focus on Jesus, the boat returns as it was and Mack is ok.

Click on the link below to watch the scene from The Shack, the first 2:30 minutes.

https://youtu.be/G1OHyINxuRQ

Isn’t that how life is? When we are drowning, we are focusing on the pain and the turmoil.

If we can lift our eyes to focus on Him…know that He’s there and He will never leave.

I struggle to keep my eyes lifted and focused on Him and Bell’s Palsy proved no different.

It’s been 7 years since my bout with Bell’s Palsy.

It often takes going through something to see the beautiful picture that God painted, and how He strengthened my faith. Hardships make our faith strong. “I am made strong in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:5-10)

If you are wrestling with trying times that life has dealt you, I encourage you to lift your eyes and focus on Him as best you can. He’s there and He’s walking beside you.

Surrender – Part 1

Surrender - Part 1

Thursday, May 31, 2018 is the day I woke up like any other day to get ready for work…feed my dog, Sophie Bear, pick out my outfit for the day, shower, dress, fix my hair and brush my teeth.

It wasn’t until I brushed my teeth that I realized something was wrong with my face. I leaned over the sink to spit out the toothpaste and my mouth wouldn’t work right. My lips went sideways, I couldn’t pucker to spit. Weird, I thought. Maybe I did that wrong?

That was my thought. I spit wrong. Even though I’ve been spitting toothpaste in the sink for years. How does someone forget how to spit?!

So, I tried again. Same thing. My lips went sideways, I couldn’t pucker to spit.

That’s when I really examined myself in the mirror. What’s wrong?!?! My heart started beating a little faster and I was becoming more alarmed by the minute.

I, then, realized my left eye wasn’t closing as firmly as my right. I tried squeezing as hard as I could, and the left side wouldn’t squeeze shut.

What.was.wrong?!?!

Stroke was the word that entered my mind.

I flew out of the bathroom to the mirror in the living room and looked there as if I thought changing mirrors would change the function of my face.

I tried puckering my lips and they just looked weird, my pucker wasn’t centered. I looked at my eyes again and tried squeezing them shut. The right eye felt strong and squeezed shut as my muscles commanded it to, the left eye was lacking. I was scared! Jeff and I commute into work together and I told him to go without me, I was going to the Urgent Care.

Bell’s Palsy or a stroke?

Among all the frantic thoughts in my head, thoughts of my mom were there too.

She suffered from having several mini strokes in her last months.

Was this happening to me? What was going on?

When I pulled up to the Urgent Care, of course, they don’t open until 8:00 am and I arrived at 7:15 am. Great! Now I get to sit in my car and let my thoughts swirl in my head about what is happening to me.

Those minutes ticked by so, so slowly. It was excruciating. Finally, the doors opened. When I was signing in at the front desk, the nurse asked me for the symptoms I was experiencing. As soon as I got out of my mouth that the left side of my face wasn’t working right, she immediately sent me to triage.

This only concerned me more and it validated that something was wrong. My body was rebelling against me and it came out of nowhere.

The doctor followed right behind me into triage and ran several physical tests like asking me to squeeze her fingers to check for weakness in my hands and arms.

She asked several questions like did I feel weakness on one side of my body and asking me to repeat phrases.

The only other symptom I had was the left side of my tongue had gone numb the day before. I couldn’t taste on that side, but I didn’t think much of it.

The doctor then told me her diagnosis was Bell’s Palsy.

“Do you know what Bells Palsy is?”, she asked.

“No. Can it be healed?”, I replied in response.

The doctor was very gracious in assuring me she had experienced Bell’s Palsy about 15 years before and often it comes out of nowhere, but it can be caused by a virus that attacks the facial muscles usually on just one side of the face. She urged me, though, to go to an emergency room to get an MRI to rule out the possibility of a stroke.

I left Urgent Care in a daze. I was frantic, heart still racing, yet calm at the same time. Jeff was blowing up my phone, but I didn’t want to talk.

I was trying to process what my body was doing and how I was going to spring into action.

If you know me well, you know I’m a person of action.

I do not take things laying down. I’m proactive to the nth degree.

All that sounds great, the being proactive stuff, right? Well, yes and no.

Here’s the negative part of being so proactive and feeling the need to be in control…I don’t let others care for me.

At this point, I’m shutting Jeff out because I don’t know how to deal. I don’t know how to process what’s going on with me and I’m shutting him out.

When I finally answer the phone when he calls, he says he’s packing up at work and will meet me at the ER.

“No.” I tell him. “I will go to the ER, but I’m going into work first.”

Weird reaction, right? I know, thus is the conundrum of me. I am a soldier in the mist of my world falling apart. Pushing onward, not letting myself feel, just doing.

Jeff is frantic on the other end of the phone and I start crying as I knew I would and I told him I had to go. I don’t deal well with not knowing what to do. I was struggling to control my own emotions and I didn’t have room for anyone else’s emotions even though Jeff was certainly entitled.

I drove to work. When I got to the parking garage, I pulled out my makeup that I hadn’t put on yet. Tears were still rolling down my cheeks. I pulled the mirrored visor down and looked at my face.

My face was betraying me. Even in crying, the left side of my face was not distorting with emotion. It was sort of frozen which made me cry more.

What was happening to me? I dried up my tears as much as I could and put on my makeup. Putting on eye makeup was strange and made the tears start to roll again because I couldn’t close my left eyelid to put on eye shadow.

I only checked in at work, talked with my boss, told him what was going on and cried tremendously while telling him. I told him about my mom and the strokes that she had and how concerned that made me. Hearing the word Stoke in reference to yourself is a hard pill to swallow.

Jeff met me at my office and we soon left for the ER for the MRI and had the diagnosis of stroke ruled out. I had Bells Palsy and I would experience the symptoms for weeks.

The above is a play by play of how I spent my Thursday morning and afternoon of May 31, 2018.

This was my first time experiencing a sickness that wasn’t curable in a few days with a round of antibiotics.

Stay tuned…next week I’ll share how this sickness tested my faith.

Feelings and Resiliency

Feelings and Resiliency

My full time job has been marked with lots of feelings this year.

My company has had 15 – 20% headcount reductions (read as layoffs).

I was in the first round of reductions. Thankfully, I am still gainfully employed.

That is not true for many people, including the team I was a part for the last 2 years.

My former team’s positions were eliminated entirely. At the end of the first round, 2 teammates elected to retire or voluntarily leave; 4 were left standing (meaning they were laid off); and 3 of us were placed in other positions.

How rapidly it all happened was shocking. One day we were a team and the next I would not see some of my team members anymore.

Corporate world can be and is brutal. I’ve personally experienced headcount reductions 4 times in my 14 year career so far. I’m certain there will be more.

Beginning at the end of 2024, my team and others began preparing employees for what was coming.

The uncertainty that lingers for months in advance of knowing if you have a job or not is stressful!

We lean on tools to strengthen our resiliency during these times. These tools equip us for what will ultimately come. They remind us to be flexible and lean into strengths. Focus on what we can control and loosen our grip on what we cannot.

They are good reminders during this time. And while these tools don’t take away the hardship of enduring one of these reductions, it can help shift our mindset..

In February of 2025, I gave a presentation about Feelings and Resilience. Here is what I shared.

Referring to the Feeling Wheel, if you had to name the feeling(s) you have right now, what would it be?

Are you surprised that there are so many feelings? And yet, they can connect back to 6 core feelings.

What feelings do you tend to ignore?

Do you think it’s possible to ignore “bad” feelings and only experience “good” feelings? Why or why not?

Early this year, I finished reading Brene Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection.

What I didn’t know before I read the book was how much resiliency is incorporated into imperfection.

Brene writes, when we become more accepting of uncomfortable feelings, we become more flexible and can enjoy life more fully even with feelings of discomfort.

In her book she notes:

  • Shame, guilt, fear, despair, disappointment, and sadness are difficult feelings that tend to cause vunerability, discomfort, and pain.
  • The most powerful feelings we experience have very sharp points, like the tip of a thorn.
  • Which usually leads to modes of distraction to get away from the uncomfortable feelings. Such as…mindless scrolling, eating, drinking, shopping, staying busy, work, choas, etc.

Everyone moves away from feelings of discomfort.

We also must remember that we cannot selectively ignore feelings.

“When we numb the dark, we numb the light.”

We can’t make a list of “bad” feelings and say, “I’m going to ignore these” and then list the positive feelings and say, “I’m going to fully engage in these!”

It doesn’t work that way.

Let’s explore the feeling of Joy.

To love and/or believe in something with your whole heart; to engage in a life that doesn’t come with guarantees…these involve the risk of vulnerability and often pain.

AND

Great joy can come from them.

Feelings of hopelessness, fear, blame, pain, discomfort, vulnerability, and disconnection sabotage our resilience and well being.

The only experience broad and fierce enough to combat a list like that is the belief that we’re all in this together and that something greater than ourselves has the capacity to bring love and compassion into our lives.

Practicing spirituality is what brings about healing and creates resilience.

Spirituality is being able to adhere to beliefs, principles or values needed to persevere and prevail in accomplishing missions.

Here is an example of the ways I’ve leaned into my spirituality practice.

Having a sense of purpose, meaning, and perspective in our lives allows us to develop understanding and move forward. Without purpose, meaning, and perspective, it is easy to lose hope, numb our emotions, or become overwhelmed by our circumstances.

We feel reduced, less capable, and lost in the face of struggle. The heart of spirituality is connection and through that, we won’t feel alone.

How do you know that you are ignoring uncomfortable feelings?

Recognizing and leaning into (not away) from discomfort of vulnerability teaches us how to live with joy, gratitude, and grace.

We live in a both/and world.

We can experience discomfort and joy. They are not mutually exclusive.

When you have the awareness, what can you do to practice leaning into the discomfort?

How can you lean into the discomfort of vulnerability and let joy in as well?

Exercise Prompt:

Hold up both hands, palms up and open. Can you practice holding the feelings of discomfort in one hand and the “good” feelings in the other hand? In fact, write on one open palm your feelings of discomfort and then write the “good” feelings on the other open palm. Practicing holding and experiencing both.

Silent Retreat 2025: Table Exercise

Silent Retreat 2025: Table Exercise

If you haven’t read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 yet of the Silent Retreat 2025 series, see links for the full story. 

The final morning of the retreat, Danielle was the first up to make breakfast for all of us.

As the cabin slowly began waking up, each of us wandered to the kitchen. We were still in silence. Some ate breakfast at the long kitchen table. Others took their breakfast on the back porch or in the living room. 

I pulled up a chair facing the window, ate my breakfast, and continued reading my Living Fearless book until time to meet in the living room. This gathering would indicate our coming out of silence.

Danielle led us in songs of praise and scripture. Then the focus is back to us and she asks who would like to share how God met us in our silence.

It’s not a requirement to share. It’s an invitation with what you feel comfortable sharing.

Each woman’s experience was unique. Each was tender, sweet, and sometimes heartbreaking too. Life stuff that needed to surface in the slowing down and silence so God could tenderly be near and have the opportunity to love, care, and begin the healing. 

I decided to share something I wrote which was prompted at the very beginning of silence.

Rewind back to the first night. Danielle prompted us to take part in an exercise using our holy imaginations.

What is holy imagination? God created you after His own image. God has an incredible imagination. Have you enjoyed a painted sky at sunset or sunrise? What about a giraffe or zebra? Then, you have experienced His imagination in creation. I think He may have a sense of humor too.

God created your imagination also. With His Spirit living within us, we are capable of using our holy imaginations while asking Him to guide us.

That first night, Danielle prompted us to close our eyes and imagine a table. What does the table look like? How many chairs? Where is the table? Is there a distinct scent or smell? 

You are at the table and Jesus appears too. Where are you sitting? Where is Jesus sitting? What does Jesus look like?

Jesus asks you if there’s something of value you’d like to give Him. What is it? What do you have to give Jesus?

What happens when you give it to Him?

Jesus also has something to give to you. What does He have for you? What happens when He gives it to you?

Do you have a conversation with Jesus? What does He say to you? What do you say to Him?

Below is my result of the exercise and what I shared with the ladies as part of my experience with God during that weekend.

Circle table. Where? No characteristics to the room. Only 2 chairs. No distinct smell. What am I holding that is of value to give to Jesus? 

Control.

Jesus sits down directly across from me. 

What does He look like?

He looks kind. Long hair. Beard. Gentle smile.

“Is there something you’d like to give me?” He asks. A gentle question.

My eyes immediately fill with tears and the tears fall from my face to the table.

I know He’s asking for something that is not and was never mine. And yet it’s something I hold onto so tightly because it feels like I am in control. 

I get to make decisions. I get to choose where my life goes next.

The control I have to give Him is lies.

It’s a lie I’ve believed in for so long so I could feel safety and security. 

It’s all an illusion.

Jesus knows this and He knows I’m coming to that conclusion too.

“What would you like to give me?” He gently asks again.

“Control,” I reply with an emotion filled voice and tear filled eyes.

The control I have is represented as a hand-sized white orb that glows.

I take it from my lap and put it on the table. I stare at it scared to let it go because it represents that I can control my fears. 

And if I don’t have it, what then? Am I doomed? Will I disappear? Will I survive? What will become of me?

I look across the table to Jesus with tears running down my face.

“I know,” He whispers. 

His eyes are kind and compassionate. He extends His arms across the table to meet me in my dilemma. 

Again, an invitation.

This gives me a bit more courage to push the white orb of control to the middle of the table where Jesus’ hands are.

It’s only then that I notice His hands. They are large, masculine yet soft. They remind me of my Dad’s hands. Then, I remember that my Dad was made in His image too.

I see the scars on His hands and a new wave of emotion strikes me.

Jesus did not control the cruxifixction. He asked God to “let this cup pass from me”. There was no other way and He let His Father’s will be done. 

He chose to not control. He surrendered. 

Jesus knows the temptation to control and how hard it is to surrender.

Even though the white, glowing orb of control is now in the middle of the table, I have not let go of it yet.

Jesus’ hands are open to receive and I open mine to release, to let go…

The white orb rolls into His hands. He pulls it into Himself and it’s gone. 

His hands come back to meet mine. “I know how hard that was,” he says. 

“You were holding onto something that was not real, something that the harder you gripped it, the more life it took from you.”

“Now, your hands are open and ready to receive the gifts and blessings I have for you instead. Now, you can carry me with you to combat the fears, the hardships, the scary things in your life. You can grip and hold onto me as tightly as you’d like. I am not going anywhere. I am with you always. I have always been with you. With the relinquishment of control, you have made room for me.”

“I am real. I am truth. You traded what is false for what is true. How much better is that? Do not grieve letting go of lies. Stand firm in truth. You are my daughter. I know your heart and I love you,” Jesus says to me. 

What do you have that is valuable to you to give to Jesus today? What do you think He has for you?

Lead the way, Lord. Amen.

Surrender

Thursday, May 31, 2018 is the day I woke up like any other day to get ready for work…feed my dog, Sophie Bear, pick out my outfit for the day, shower, dress, fix my hair and brush my teeth. It wasn’t until I brushed my teeth that I realized something was wrong with my face. I leaned over the sink to spit out the toothpaste and my mouth wouldn’t work right. My lips went sideways, I couldn’t pucker to spit. Weird, I thought. Maybe I did that wrong? That was my thought. I spit wrong. Even though I’ve been spitting toothpaste in the sink for years upon years. How does someone forget how to spit?! So, I tried again. Same thing. My lips went sideways, I couldn’t pucker to spit. That’s when I really examined myself in the mirror. What’s wrong?!?! My heart started beating a little faster and I was becoming more alarmed by the minute. I then realized my left eye wasn’t closing as firmly as my right. I tried squeezing as hard as I could, and the left side wouldn’t squeeze shut. What.was.wrong?!?! Stroke was the word that entered my mind. I flew out of the bathroom to the mirror in the living room and looked there as if I thought changing mirrors would change the function of my face. I tried puckering my lips and they just looked weird, my pucker wasn’t centered (if that makes any sense). I looked at my eyes again and tried squeezing them shut. The right eye felt strong and squeezed shut as my muscles commanded it to, the left eye was lacking. I was scared! Jeff and I commute into work together and I told him to go without me, I was going to the Urgent Care.

Bell’s Palsy or a stroke?

Among all the frantic thoughts in my head, thoughts of my mom were there too. She suffered from having several mini strokes in her last months. Was this happening to me? What was going on? When I pulled up to the Urgent Care, of course, they don’t open until 8:00 am and I arrived at 7:15 am. Great! Now I get to sit in my car and let my thoughts swirl in my head about what is happening to me. Those minutes ticked by so, so slowly. It was excruciating. Finally, the doors opened. When I was signing in at the front desk, the nurse asked me for the symptoms I was experiencing. As soon as I got out of my mouth that the left side of my face wasn’t working right, she immediately sent me to triage. This only concerned me more and it validated that something was wrong. My body was rebelling against me and it came out of nowhere. The doctor followed right behind me into triage and ran several physical tests like asking me to squeeze her fingers to check for weakness in my hands and arms. She asked several questions like did I feel weakness on one side of my body and asking me to repeat phrases. The only other symptom I had was the left side of my tongue had gone numb the day before. I couldn’t taste on that side, but I didn’t think much of it. The doctor then told me her diagnosis was Bell’s Palsy. “Do you know what Bells Palsy is?”, she asked. “No. Can it be healed?”, I replied in response. The doctor was very gracious in assuring me she had experienced Bells Palsy about 15 years before and often it comes out of nowhere, but it can be caused by a virus that attacks the facial muscles usually on just one side of the face. She urged me, though, to go to an emergency room to get an MRI to rule out the possibility of a stroke.

I left Urgent Care in a daze. I was frantic, heart still racing, yet calm at the same time. Jeff was blowing up my phone, but I didn’t want to talk. I was trying to process what my body was doing and how I was going to spring into action. If you know me well, you know I’m a person of action. I do not take things laying down. I’m proactive to the nth degree. ß All that sounds great, the being proactive stuff, right? Well, yes and no. Here’s the negative part of being so proactive and feeling the need to be in control…I don’t let others care for me. At this point, I’m shutting Jeff out because I don’t know how to deal. I don’t know how to process what’s going on with me and I’m shutting him out. When I finally answer the phone when he calls, he says he’s packing up at work and will meet me at the ER. “No.” I tell him. “I will go to the ER, but I’m going into work first.” Weird reaction, right? I know, thus is the conundrum of me. I am a soldier in the mist of my world falling apart. Pushing onward, not letting myself feel, just doing. Jeff is frantic on the other end of the phone and I start crying as I knew I would and I told him I had to go. I don’t deal well with not knowing what to do. I was struggling to control my own emotions and I didn’t have room for anyone else’s emotions even though Jeff was certainly entitled.

I drove to work. When I got to the parking garage, I pulled out my makeup that I hadn’t put on yet. Tears were still rolling down my cheeks. I pulled the mirrored visor down and looked at my face. My face was betraying me. Even in crying, the left side of my face was not distorting with emotion. It was sort of frozen which made me cry more. What was happening to me? I dried up my tears as much as I could and put on my makeup. Putting on eye makeup was strange and made the tears start to roll again because I couldn’t close my left eyelid to put on eye shadow.

I only checked in at work, talked with my boss, told him what was going on and cried tremendously while telling him. I told him about my mom and the strokes that she had and how concerned that made me. Hearing the word Stoke in reference to yourself is a hard pill to swallow. Jeff met me at my office and we soon left for the ER for the MRI and had the diagnosis of stroke ruled out. I had Bells Palsy and I would experience the symptoms for weeks.

The above is a play by play of how I spent my Thursday morning and afternoon of May 31. What happened after the diagnosis and how I dealt with the blow of my body rebelling against me is what I want to share with you. This is the first sickness I have ever experienced, one in which isn’t curable with a round of antibiotics in a few days and one that isn’t really known by doctors what causes it. No, this would be something that would take weeks to heal. Not to mention, it effects the very part of your body that everyone sees every time they see you. It challenged my faith in ways that I didn’t expect and made me rely on my Heavenly Father in a way that I am unaccustomed. I’m not comfortable relying on anyone really…I’m not good with being vulnerable. I want to be in control and Bell’s Palsy took that from me.

Journal entry from June 10, 2018…

“This has been a very difficult week. I have contemplated my health and body more than ever. I’ve been scared out of my mind, overwhelmed beyond belief and beaten down. I didn’t know being sick would affect me that way. It has rattled me to my core. When your body decides to rebel against you, it’s unnerving. The thing that has scared me and continues to scare me is becoming sick and not being able to live life as I once was able to. So much can be taken away so quickly. No warning. The emotional ramifications of that is profound. In those moments, you realize how much you take for granted all the time. And you realize just how much you aren’t in control. It’s funny how I believe I’m in control all the time or at least most of the time and the reality is I’ve never been in control. I’ve only conned myself into thinking that. Surrendering is hard. Surrendering my strong-will is hard. And this week I wasn’t left with much of anything but surrender. What I mean is I found myself alone, struggling to understand even what the meaning of life is, what happiness is, reflecting on how I’ve been living my life, treating my body, caring or not caring for my body, my emotional wellbeing, utterly overwhelmed and consumed, not able to focus or think or function. Realizing that when you are sick, it’s you and you alone. There’s no other person that can go through it with you. No one else truly knows how you feel. It’s only you. And it leaves you reflecting on your spiritual life, clinging to God because He’s the only one that can go through this with you. Learning to rely on Him is hard. Surrendering is hard, and I don’t like surrendering. I laugh when I say that because God made me after all! He knows I’m stubborn and strong-willed, not going down without a fight, He knows I’ll get scrappy if needed. 🙂 Maybe surrendering is the strongest thing I can do. Asking Him to fill me with His peace and joy. (Romans 15:13) I found myself casting out the evil one’s anxiety and fear in Jesus name because my God is bigger than that. I found myself heavily relying on God to carry me through this. And it’s amazing that at every turn, no matter, the progress in recovery I have made, the evil one is standing by interjecting fear and worry at every turn. The evil one is unrelenting. I wonder if God gets weary of us and our inability to remain faithful even for a few minutes? That’s been another prayer of mine as well, “Lord, please help me in my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24) I do believe, but I am weak. God would show me His healing power by my tongue becoming functional to taste again. My eyelids blinking at the same time, strength coming back to my lips so I could spit toothpaste in the sink from the center of my mouth. Even all these ways He’s showing me He’s taking care of me and I still fear and wait anxiously. Giving it over to Him is hard. All the while knowing He can do so much better at all this than me. Being sick is scary. Being helpless is frightening. I have thought about my mom a lot. She was sick for so long and I’m sure she was scared and felt alone. I regret that I judged her, at times, so harshly. I should have had more compassion. I’m not sure that was possible, but she could have used more compassion all the way around from those around her.

…help me in my unbelief…

Today I feel much improved, but anxiety and worry still take up way too many of my thoughts. I’ve been anxious about my back now after hurting it a few weeks ago. Scared that I may not functionally be able to do some things anymore. Scared of surgery, if that’s even needed, and what that might cause, it’s long term effects. All craziness. I know this logically, but the fear and worry have another agenda. The devil’s mind games.

I know my God does not want me to suffer. He does not want me to worry. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30) I want to have a closer relationship with Him. One that I can trust and lean upon Him. Surrender to Him. I have a lot of work to do in this area, with His help, of course. I’m reading a book that talks about soul training. Soul training is practicing those things that will help you deepen your spiritual walk with Him. Kind of like how an athlete practices, the same principles could be applied to the Christian walk. Just like a doctor practices medicine, I think we practice Christianity. We won’t ever perfect our walk, but we sure can get better. I want to have close to my heart the knowing that God loves me, He delights in me. I want to put down the knowing that I have now. I often see God as disappointed in me, displeased with me. A punishing God because I have not done the things I should. All of those negative, ugly ways I was taught about God, I want to put down. I want to know Him as my Father who loves me and cares for me and wants the best for me. He wants me to follow Him, surrender to Him. And I think I’ve been unable to know Him, to follow Him because I’ve been ashamed. Feeling too unworthy to approach Him, unworthy of His love, unworthy to really know Him. Why would God want to know me? I think it’s easy to believe that when you’re sometimes not seen by those who are closest to you. If you’ve ever experienced a loved one that seemingly doesn’t openly delight in you or that’s how you’ve interpreted it anyway. You are left feeling unnoticed and unworthy and unimportant. All lies from the devil in association with God. I pray God’s grace upon my unworthiness. I pray for His help in my surrender to His ways. To lean on Him and not worry. I pray for release from the anxiety, to live in His joy and His freedom. Help me in my unbelief. To be still and know. (Psalm 46:10) To wait because He will fight for me. (Exodus 14:14) His grace and mercy is sufficient. (2 Corinthians 12:9) God wants me to be happy and live a full life in Him and I should stop living in fear and start doing just that. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30) Lord help me to know that, not just logically but in all ways and to rest in You. (Matthew 11:28)”

During church recently I was reminded of a scene in the movie, The Shack. Have you seen it? If not, I recommend that you do. It’s a powerful movie. The scene I’m referring to is the one where Mack is in the boat on the lake. Everything seems peaceful and then his mind starts taking him back to a pivotal point in his life. Playing mind games and then suddenly the boat begins filling with black water and Mack is panicking. Then you hear the sound of Jesus’ voice telling Mack he’s ok. Jesus says, “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.” “Focus on me,” he says. When Mack is finally able to raise his eyes to focus on Jesus, the boat returns as it was and Mack is ok.

Click on the link below to watch the scene from The Shack, the first 2:30 minutes.

https://youtu.be/G1OHyINxuRQ

Isn’t that how life is? When we are drowning, we are focusing on the pain and the turmoil. If we can lift our eyes to focus on Him…know that He’s there and He will never leave. I struggle to keep my eyes lifted and focused on Him and Bell’s Palsy proved no different. On the other side of Bell’s Palsy, I can see the beautiful picture that God painted for me and how He strengthened my faith. Hardships make our faith strong. “I am made strong in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:5-10) I promise you are too. If you are wrestling with trying times that life has dealt you, I encourage you to lift your eyes and focus on Him as best you can. He’s there and He’s walking beside you.