This article was originally published in Tish Co News.
What is a Silent Retreat?
In November 2024, I drove all the way to Higden, Arkansas for a silent retreat hosted by Awaken Silent Retreat. Silent retreat = no talking and silent rest. Practicing silence means turning off and putting away all distractions. This helps us to better hear from God and the prompting of the Holy Spirit. It’s a spiritual discipline. It’s also a practice of being with yourself and hearing your own thoughts and voice. It’s a practice of resting. I’ve been practicing silence and stillness for a few years, read about it here.
How to Know if You Are a Good Candidate for a Silent Retreat?
How often are you quiet during the day? How often do you truly rest? When you lay down at night, is this the first time that you are quiet with no distractions? Does your mind spring to life with thoughts and worries? Yep, mine too. This means I’m not allowing time in the day, to think, to pray, or to process. In fact, I often work hard to keep from having to think, process, or feel because it seems overwhelming. It takes a lot of energy to keep pushing things down or away. This might be why feeling tired and overwhelmed are commonplace these days. We aren’t allowing space to just be; to be a human being instead of a human doing. When I first heard about this silent retreat, it was on a podcast, Prosperity with Purpose. The podcaster, Jessica Hefley, had recently attended. They had many wonderful things to say about it, and I immediately wanted to experience it too. She described it as a way to eliminate distraction, crowds, and hurry which stands between us and peace. These are tools the enemy uses to keep us separated from God.
Jesus spoke to his disciples in Mark 6:31a. He said, “Come away with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest.”
I didn’t know much about this retreat. However, I trusted Jessica Hefley’s review on her podcast, Silent Retreat to 10x Your Life. So, I sought it out, signed up, and prepared myself to drive 7 hours to attend. That’s a key indicator that I was craving peace and rest. The drive wasn’t difficult at all. Much of the travel was familiar to me. This is because we usually travel through Arkansas on our way home to Iuka, MS.
Silent Retreat Experience
Once I arrived, I was greeted by Danielle, who was leading us that weekend. It was going to be a small group, only 5 of us. After introductions, we ate dinner all while still talking and getting to know one another. Then, we gathered in the living room. Danielle led us in a few songs of worship. She prepared our minds with scripture and then we closed with prayer. We turned off our phones and turned them in for the weekend, and we shifted into silence. Each of us had our own bedrooms and I quickly retired to mine. I was tired from the day’s drive. My usual routine for bed is watching TV and being on my phone. I had neither and I slept 8 hours that night! When I awoke and emerged from my room, breakfast had already been made. I took my coffee outside on the deck and then proceeded down to the lake shore to explore. I noticed deer and dog prints in the mud and the small, smooth rocks along the shore. I sat on top of a big rock overlooking the lake. Fishermen in boats would wave as they passed by. There was an island directly across from shore and kayaks could be used to get there. One of the ladies from the retreat had struck out on an island adventure. She was braver than I. I wandered back up to the cabin. I really didn’t want to read a book while I was at the retreat. I wanted to be silent and hear from God. My mind was not cooperating. I remembered Danielle’s prompting that sometimes it’s better to focus your mind on a book. I pulled from the library the one she recommended, “Living Fearlessly” by Jamie Winship. The book was incredibly helpful with prayer prompts and encouragement for listening for God’s voice. The book recommended to pray and write down what you hear or sense from God. Looking up from the book, I found myself noticing the leaves drop from the trees. This is what I wrote in my journal:
“Methodical drops. Not one leaf in a hurry, making its decent gracefully with swoops and spins. Not to be rushed. The leaves fall joyfully. The season changing and the leaves don’t try to stay. When it’s their time to go, they let go and fall freely. Not a worry or bother. They are doing what they are supposed to do. No argument, only a delightful freefall to make a crunchy carpet on the ground.”
Later, my attention was brought to the squirrels. I wrote about them, too:
“Scampering squirrels. Jumping from one branch to another. They must weigh a few ounces because the branches barely move under their weight. Back and forth they scale at least 15 trees. Never a misstep. They are skilled tree climbers and jumpers. Never needing the ground to get to where they are going, instead they navigate tree city. Scampering to gather food for the day. Methodically searching for the day’s allotment. They don’t spin or toll. They know they will be provided for; their creator provides for them.”
That evening, I found another big rock to perch upon with a blanket and watched over the lake. I loved seeing all nature’s details. The vibrant green weeds against the stark contrast of the rust brown rocks, the dormant gray trees and grass. The white and yellow flowers on the weeds. I was still and silent with no distractions. Because of this, I noticed all the landscape colors. I slept for 9 hours that night. We remained silent until 10:00 am on Sunday for a total of 40 hours of silence. After we broke our silence, Danielle led us with worship songs and scripture. We each shared what our experience had been. God met each of us right where we needed Him…all in unique and different ways. For me, it was God bringing me into the present to notice the leaves, the squirrels, and the color palette along the shoreline. My mind is usually so distracted with worries that it’s hard to be present. All in all, it was an absolute wonderful experience and I already went back for another one this April! (I’ll write about that experience soon too!)
Silence is an Neglected Gift
Our world is filled with distractions. Unless we are intentional with who and what is gaining our attention, the distractions will win every time. The silent retreat was a way to encourage me to find pockets of time to be silent. To put away the phone, take a walk in nature, and be silent and still. Silence is rare and an often-neglected gift.
Thursday, May 31, 2018 is the day I woke up like any other day to get ready for work…feed my dog, Sophie Bear, pick out my outfit for the day, shower, dress, fix my hair and brush my teeth. It wasn’t until I brushed my teeth that I realized something was wrong with my face. I leaned over the sink to spit out the toothpaste and my mouth wouldn’t work right. My lips went sideways, I couldn’t pucker to spit. Weird, I thought. Maybe I did that wrong? That was my thought. I spit wrong. Even though I’ve been spitting toothpaste in the sink for years upon years. How does someone forget how to spit?! So, I tried again. Same thing. My lips went sideways, I couldn’t pucker to spit. That’s when I really examined myself in the mirror. What’s wrong?!?! My heart started beating a little faster and I was becoming more alarmed by the minute. I then realized my left eye wasn’t closing as firmly as my right. I tried squeezing as hard as I could, and the left side wouldn’t squeeze shut. What.was.wrong?!?! Stroke was the word that entered my mind. I flew out of the bathroom to the mirror in the living room and looked there as if I thought changing mirrors would change the function of my face. I tried puckering my lips and they just looked weird, my pucker wasn’t centered (if that makes any sense). I looked at my eyes again and tried squeezing them shut. The right eye felt strong and squeezed shut as my muscles commanded it to, the left eye was lacking. I was scared! Jeff and I commute into work together and I told him to go without me, I was going to the Urgent Care.
Bell’s Palsy or a stroke?
Among all the frantic thoughts in my head, thoughts of my mom were there too. She suffered from having several mini strokes in her last months. Was this happening to me? What was going on? When I pulled up to the Urgent Care, of course, they don’t open until 8:00 am and I arrived at 7:15 am. Great! Now I get to sit in my car and let my thoughts swirl in my head about what is happening to me. Those minutes ticked by so, so slowly. It was excruciating. Finally, the doors opened. When I was signing in at the front desk, the nurse asked me for the symptoms I was experiencing. As soon as I got out of my mouth that the left side of my face wasn’t working right, she immediately sent me to triage. This only concerned me more and it validated that something was wrong. My body was rebelling against me and it came out of nowhere. The doctor followed right behind me into triage and ran several physical tests like asking me to squeeze her fingers to check for weakness in my hands and arms. She asked several questions like did I feel weakness on one side of my body and asking me to repeat phrases. The only other symptom I had was the left side of my tongue had gone numb the day before. I couldn’t taste on that side, but I didn’t think much of it. The doctor then told me her diagnosis was Bell’s Palsy. “Do you know what Bells Palsy is?”, she asked. “No. Can it be healed?”, I replied in response. The doctor was very gracious in assuring me she had experienced Bells Palsy about 15 years before and often it comes out of nowhere, but it can be caused by a virus that attacks the facial muscles usually on just one side of the face. She urged me, though, to go to an emergency room to get an MRI to rule out the possibility of a stroke.
I left Urgent Care in a daze. I was frantic, heart still racing, yet calm at the same time. Jeff was blowing up my phone, but I didn’t want to talk. I was trying to process what my body was doing and how I was going to spring into action. If you know me well, you know I’m a person of action. I do not take things laying down. I’m proactive to the nth degree. ß All that sounds great, the being proactive stuff, right? Well, yes and no. Here’s the negative part of being so proactive and feeling the need to be in control…I don’t let others care for me. At this point, I’m shutting Jeff out because I don’t know how to deal. I don’t know how to process what’s going on with me and I’m shutting him out. When I finally answer the phone when he calls, he says he’s packing up at work and will meet me at the ER. “No.” I tell him. “I will go to the ER, but I’m going into work first.” Weird reaction, right? I know, thus is the conundrum of me. I am a soldier in the mist of my world falling apart. Pushing onward, not letting myself feel, just doing. Jeff is frantic on the other end of the phone and I start crying as I knew I would and I told him I had to go. I don’t deal well with not knowing what to do. I was struggling to control my own emotions and I didn’t have room for anyone else’s emotions even though Jeff was certainly entitled.
I drove to work. When I got to the parking garage, I pulled out my makeup that I hadn’t put on yet. Tears were still rolling down my cheeks. I pulled the mirrored visor down and looked at my face. My face was betraying me. Even in crying, the left side of my face was not distorting with emotion. It was sort of frozen which made me cry more. What was happening to me? I dried up my tears as much as I could and put on my makeup. Putting on eye makeup was strange and made the tears start to roll again because I couldn’t close my left eyelid to put on eye shadow.
I only checked in at work, talked with my boss, told him what was going on and cried tremendously while telling him. I told him about my mom and the strokes that she had and how concerned that made me. Hearing the word Stoke in reference to yourself is a hard pill to swallow. Jeff met me at my office and we soon left for the ER for the MRI and had the diagnosis of stroke ruled out. I had Bells Palsy and I would experience the symptoms for weeks.
The above is a play by play of how I spent my Thursday morning and afternoon of May 31. What happened after the diagnosis and how I dealt with the blow of my body rebelling against me is what I want to share with you. This is the first sickness I have ever experienced, one in which isn’t curable with a round of antibiotics in a few days and one that isn’t really known by doctors what causes it. No, this would be something that would take weeks to heal. Not to mention, it effects the very part of your body that everyone sees every time they see you. It challenged my faith in ways that I didn’t expect and made me rely on my Heavenly Father in a way that I am unaccustomed. I’m not comfortable relying on anyone really…I’m not good with being vulnerable. I want to be in control and Bell’s Palsy took that from me.
Journal entry from June 10, 2018…
“This has been a very difficult week. I have contemplated my health and body more than ever. I’ve been scared out of my mind, overwhelmed beyond belief and beaten down. I didn’t know being sick would affect me that way. It has rattled me to my core. When your body decides to rebel against you, it’s unnerving. The thing that has scared me and continues to scare me is becoming sick and not being able to live life as I once was able to. So much can be taken away so quickly. No warning. The emotional ramifications of that is profound. In those moments, you realize how much you take for granted all the time. And you realize just how much you aren’t in control. It’s funny how I believe I’m in control all the time or at least most of the time and the reality is I’ve never been in control. I’ve only conned myself into thinking that. Surrendering is hard. Surrendering my strong-will is hard. And this week I wasn’t left with much of anything but surrender. What I mean is I found myself alone, struggling to understand even what the meaning of life is, what happiness is, reflecting on how I’ve been living my life, treating my body, caring or not caring for my body, my emotional wellbeing, utterly overwhelmed and consumed, not able to focus or think or function. Realizing that when you are sick, it’s you and you alone. There’s no other person that can go through it with you. No one else truly knows how you feel. It’s only you. And it leaves you reflecting on your spiritual life, clinging to God because He’s the only one that can go through this with you. Learning to rely on Him is hard. Surrendering is hard, and I don’t like surrendering. I laugh when I say that because God made me after all! He knows I’m stubborn and strong-willed, not going down without a fight, He knows I’ll get scrappy if needed. 🙂 Maybe surrendering is the strongest thing I can do. Asking Him to fill me with His peace and joy. (Romans 15:13) I found myself casting out the evil one’s anxiety and fear in Jesus name because my God is bigger than that. I found myself heavily relying on God to carry me through this. And it’s amazing that at every turn, no matter, the progress in recovery I have made, the evil one is standing by interjecting fear and worry at every turn. The evil one is unrelenting. I wonder if God gets weary of us and our inability to remain faithful even for a few minutes? That’s been another prayer of mine as well, “Lord, please help me in my unbelief.” (Mark 9:24) I do believe, but I am weak. God would show me His healing power by my tongue becoming functional to taste again. My eyelids blinking at the same time, strength coming back to my lips so I could spit toothpaste in the sink from the center of my mouth. Even all these ways He’s showing me He’s taking care of me and I still fear and wait anxiously. Giving it over to Him is hard. All the while knowing He can do so much better at all this than me. Being sick is scary. Being helpless is frightening. I have thought about my mom a lot. She was sick for so long and I’m sure she was scared and felt alone. I regret that I judged her, at times, so harshly. I should have had more compassion. I’m not sure that was possible, but she could have used more compassion all the way around from those around her.
…help me in my unbelief…
Today I feel much improved, but anxiety and worry still take up way too many of my thoughts. I’ve been anxious about my back now after hurting it a few weeks ago. Scared that I may not functionally be able to do some things anymore. Scared of surgery, if that’s even needed, and what that might cause, it’s long term effects. All craziness. I know this logically, but the fear and worry have another agenda. The devil’s mind games.
I know my God does not want me to suffer. He does not want me to worry. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30) I want to have a closer relationship with Him. One that I can trust and lean upon Him. Surrender to Him. I have a lot of work to do in this area, with His help, of course. I’m reading a book that talks about soul training. Soul training is practicing those things that will help you deepen your spiritual walk with Him. Kind of like how an athlete practices, the same principles could be applied to the Christian walk. Just like a doctor practices medicine, I think we practice Christianity. We won’t ever perfect our walk, but we sure can get better. I want to have close to my heart the knowing that God loves me, He delights in me. I want to put down the knowing that I have now. I often see God as disappointed in me, displeased with me. A punishing God because I have not done the things I should. All of those negative, ugly ways I was taught about God, I want to put down. I want to know Him as my Father who loves me and cares for me and wants the best for me. He wants me to follow Him, surrender to Him. And I think I’ve been unable to know Him, to follow Him because I’ve been ashamed. Feeling too unworthy to approach Him, unworthy of His love, unworthy to really know Him. Why would God want to know me? I think it’s easy to believe that when you’re sometimes not seen by those who are closest to you. If you’ve ever experienced a loved one that seemingly doesn’t openly delight in you or that’s how you’ve interpreted it anyway. You are left feeling unnoticed and unworthy and unimportant. All lies from the devil in association with God. I pray God’s grace upon my unworthiness. I pray for His help in my surrender to His ways. To lean on Him and not worry. I pray for release from the anxiety, to live in His joy and His freedom. Help me in my unbelief. To be still and know. (Psalm 46:10) To wait because He will fight for me. (Exodus 14:14) His grace and mercy is sufficient. (2 Corinthians 12:9) God wants me to be happy and live a full life in Him and I should stop living in fear and start doing just that. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. (Matthew 11:30) Lord help me to know that, not just logically but in all ways and to rest in You. (Matthew 11:28)”
During church recently I was reminded of a scene in the movie, The Shack. Have you seen it? If not, I recommend that you do. It’s a powerful movie. The scene I’m referring to is the one where Mack is in the boat on the lake. Everything seems peaceful and then his mind starts taking him back to a pivotal point in his life. Playing mind games and then suddenly the boat begins filling with black water and Mack is panicking. Then you hear the sound of Jesus’ voice telling Mack he’s ok. Jesus says, “I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere.” “Focus on me,” he says. When Mack is finally able to raise his eyes to focus on Jesus, the boat returns as it was and Mack is ok.
Click on the link below to watch the scene from The Shack, the first 2:30 minutes.
Isn’t that how life is? When we are drowning, we are focusing on the pain and the turmoil. If we can lift our eyes to focus on Him…know that He’s there and He will never leave. I struggle to keep my eyes lifted and focused on Him and Bell’s Palsy proved no different. On the other side of Bell’s Palsy, I can see the beautiful picture that God painted for me and how He strengthened my faith. Hardships make our faith strong. “I am made strong in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:5-10) I promise you are too. If you are wrestling with trying times that life has dealt you, I encourage you to lift your eyes and focus on Him as best you can. He’s there and He’s walking beside you.
I’m excited to share with you a journal entry that I wrote several months ago. I’m also fiercely excited to share with you how I came to write this journal entry. I have been a part of a group called Fierce Forward since, gosh, around 2010. Or maybe I’ve just been a fan of Ashley Johns since then. I first became aware of Ashley when she was competing for (and won!) the Bodybuilding.com spokesmodel campaign. (Sorry, I know I’m going link happy! But this is important to lay the ground work.) Ashley has an amazing weight loss transformation and journey. I encourage you to read her story!
Around 2010, Ashley created a Facebook group called Fierce Forward. Her mantra of Fierce Forward means moving fiercely forward in life, no matter the obstacle. Fierce Forward has evolved into a community of people that aspire to achieve their goals, dreams and to love themselves and own who they are. Ashley also is the creator of the intention bracelets. An intention bracelet is made of African trade beads and adorned with a charm of what I like to refer to as a power word. My first intention bracelet (which Jeff bought for me) was Strength. When wearing the strength bracelet, it helps me intentionally know and own my strength. You can also create stacks of the bracelets called Armor. These bracelets become armor when facing life’s challenges, reminding you to Focus or Breathe or Be, etc.. If you see me, I most likely am wearing one or more of the intention bracelets. My most recent purchase is the Truth intention bracelet, which leads me back to my journal entry.
Fierce Forward is a very active community. Ashley created the Sisterhood of the Fierce Traveling Journal a while back. Basically what this means is that if you want to participate in writing in a journal every week or so, you can be grouped together with 3-4 other women. After you complete your writing for the week, you put the journal in the mail to pass along to your sister. You can write in the journal, draw, paint, use stickers, or use any other medium to express yourself. Ashley usually has a theme for the journaling duration. I have participated in the Sisterhood of the Fierce Traveling Journal for the 4th time now! And actually, writing in these journals is what helped me solidify my desire to begin a blog. Sharing in these journals some of my most innermost thoughts and then putting it in the mail for another person to see is intimidating. But then, reading what the sisters in my group have shared…sharing their vulnerability in their stories of triumph and hurts in life; gave me the courage to begin my blog. We all have a story to tell and I believe that we can learn so much from one another! And if nothing else, we get to connect to each other through similar life circumstances. I am very grateful to Ashley for founding Fierce Forward; for creating a community full of fierceness and positivity, especially in the midst of such a negative, stressful world in which we live!
Soooo….I wanted to share with you one of my journal entries I wrote on May 13, 2015. This journal entry actually fits perfectly after completing my 3 part series last week.
“A healthy relationship, whether it is romantic, brotherly or friendly is when each person is allowed room to grow, un-judged and still loved.” – Unknown
“Here’s the truth about BIG life changes: Some people won’t come with you and that’s OK.” – Unknown
“Both of these quotes resonate with me. I’ve always loved words. To be able to matter-of-factly put into words what I feel is usually a shot in the dark, but I love the idea of being able to speak, to write and describe as eloquently as I can my thoughts and my feelings.
I, fortunately or unfortunately, have more experience with losing people than I care to admit and I have learned the very hard way what healthy relationships look like and what they do not. There was a time in my life where I changed so much so quickly that it literally felt like I lost my family and friends all at once. To be left alone when you need support, encouragement, love and someone to help you pick up the broken pieces….that is probably one of the worst feelings. Feeling like you don’t exist, that you aren’t valuable enough to register on your loved one’s radar. I guess its a lot like being in a glass box in the middle of Grand Central Station…no one can get to you and you can’t get to them. Divided by some invisible layer. Untouchable.
As alone and abandoned as I felt, I know it was for the greater good. I had a therapist tell me once that “the healthier you become, the further away you will distance yourself from the toxic, unhealthy people in your life.”
Some of those people I lost, I lost forever. They were only meant to be in my life briefly. There were others that I lost for only a short amount of time. Distance had to be created for healing to take place. Those relationships that have been restored have helped me regain hope and faith in people…in relationships. That distance and space allowed me the chance to grieve, to think, to heal, to let time help me understand the part of me that has been unhealthy so that I could become a better person. I found grace for myself and that in turn helped me have grace for those who may have hurt me. I can see a bigger picture now. And understand that maybe, just maybe, they were only doing the best they could and that I, too, was only doing the best I could.
Big changes will bring loss. In that loss, there can be hope of restoration, of understanding, reflection, of truth. And hopefully it will bring you to a better place where new or old relationships can allow you the freedom to be exactly who you are and at the same time allow you enough sturdiness as an individual for people in your life to be exactly who they are.”
– Carlynn Rainey
I’m excited to share with you a journal entry that I wrote several months ago. I’m also fiercely excited to share with you how I came to write this journal entry. I have been a part of a group called