If you haven’t read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3 yet of the Silent Retreat 2025 series, see links for the full story.
The final morning of the retreat, Danielle was the first up to make breakfast for all of us.
As the cabin slowly began waking up, each of us wandered to the kitchen. We were still in silence. Some ate breakfast at the long kitchen table. Others took their breakfast on the back porch or in the living room.
I pulled up a chair facing the window, ate my breakfast, and continued reading my Living Fearless book until time to meet in the living room. This gathering would indicate our coming out of silence.
Danielle led us in songs of praise and scripture. Then the focus is back to us and she asks who would like to share how God met us in our silence.
It’s not a requirement to share. It’s an invitation with what you feel comfortable sharing.
Each woman’s experience was unique. Each was tender, sweet, and sometimes heartbreaking too. Life stuff that needed to surface in the slowing down and silence so God could tenderly be near and have the opportunity to love, care, and begin the healing.
I decided to share something I wrote which was prompted at the very beginning of silence.
Rewind back to the first night. Danielle prompted us to take part in an exercise using our holy imaginations.
What is holy imagination? God created you after His own image. God has an incredible imagination. Have you enjoyed a painted sky at sunset or sunrise? What about a giraffe or zebra? Then, you have experienced His imagination in creation. I think He may have a sense of humor too.
God created your imagination also. With His Spirit living within us, we are capable of using our holy imaginations while asking Him to guide us.
That first night, Danielle prompted us to close our eyes and imagine a table. What does the table look like? How many chairs? Where is the table? Is there a distinct scent or smell?
You are at the table and Jesus appears too. Where are you sitting? Where is Jesus sitting? What does Jesus look like?
Jesus asks you if there’s something of value you’d like to give Him. What is it? What do you have to give Jesus?
What happens when you give it to Him?
Jesus also has something to give to you. What does He have for you? What happens when He gives it to you?
Do you have a conversation with Jesus? What does He say to you? What do you say to Him?
Below is my result of the exercise and what I shared with the ladies as part of my experience with God during that weekend.
Circle table. Where? No characteristics to the room. Only 2 chairs. No distinct smell. What am I holding that is of value to give to Jesus?
Control.
Jesus sits down directly across from me.
What does He look like?
He looks kind. Long hair. Beard. Gentle smile.
“Is there something you’d like to give me?” He asks. A gentle question.
My eyes immediately fill with tears and the tears fall from my face to the table.
I know He’s asking for something that is not and was never mine. And yet it’s something I hold onto so tightly because it feels like I am in control.
I get to make decisions. I get to choose where my life goes next.
The control I have to give Him is lies.
It’s a lie I’ve believed in for so long so I could feel safety and security.
It’s all an illusion.
Jesus knows this and He knows I’m coming to that conclusion too.
“What would you like to give me?” He gently asks again.
“Control,” I reply with an emotion filled voice and tear filled eyes.
The control I have is represented as a hand-sized white orb that glows.
I take it from my lap and put it on the table. I stare at it scared to let it go because it represents that I can control my fears.
And if I don’t have it, what then? Am I doomed? Will I disappear? Will I survive? What will become of me?
I look across the table to Jesus with tears running down my face.
“I know,” He whispers.
His eyes are kind and compassionate. He extends His arms across the table to meet me in my dilemma.
Again, an invitation.
This gives me a bit more courage to push the white orb of control to the middle of the table where Jesus’ hands are.
It’s only then that I notice His hands. They are large, masculine yet soft. They remind me of my Dad’s hands. Then, I remember that my Dad was made in His image too.
I see the scars on His hands and a new wave of emotion strikes me.
Jesus did not control the cruxifixction. He asked God to “let this cup pass from me”. There was no other way and He let His Father’s will be done.
He chose to not control. He surrendered.
Jesus knows the temptation to control and how hard it is to surrender.
Even though the white, glowing orb of control is now in the middle of the table, I have not let go of it yet.
Jesus’ hands are open to receive and I open mine to release, to let go…
The white orb rolls into His hands. He pulls it into Himself and it’s gone.
His hands come back to meet mine. “I know how hard that was,” he says.
“You were holding onto something that was not real, something that the harder you gripped it, the more life it took from you.”
“Now, your hands are open and ready to receive the gifts and blessings I have for you instead. Now, you can carry me with you to combat the fears, the hardships, the scary things in your life. You can grip and hold onto me as tightly as you’d like. I am not going anywhere. I am with you always. I have always been with you. With the relinquishment of control, you have made room for me.”
“I am real. I am truth. You traded what is false for what is true. How much better is that? Do not grieve letting go of lies. Stand firm in truth. You are my daughter. I know your heart and I love you,” Jesus says to me.
What do you have that is valuable to you to give to Jesus today? What do you think He has for you?
Lead the way, Lord. Amen.
